Overcome Fear: Lessons from Failure #552

In this video, Lachlan Stuart shares valuable lessons he learned from failure and how to overcome fear. Don't let failure hold you back, watch now to discover how you can beat it!

Mentioned On Today's Show:
🤝  Fail Fast & Fail Lots
🤝  Why we fear failure 
🤝  You are not your results but your response to them

My Online Course For High Performing Men:
💻 7 Day SMOV Challenge: https://www.themanthatcanproject.com/7-day-mindset-fitness-mastery-challenge
 
RECOMMENDED Reading
📔  The Way of The Superior Man
📓  How To Win Friends & Influence People
📓  The Four Agreements

10% Discount = TMTCP
Buy Now

Breathe Better, Sleep Better - Recover Rite

Trouble sleeping? Recover Rite's mouth tape and nose strips improve your sleep by optimising your breathing. Perfect for anyone seeking a restful night.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:51

I am a failure. I remember having this thought when I finished grade 12 and I got my OP and I know that's like my grade 12 certificate score and the better the number, the better career opportunities that were available to me. And the number wasn't that good and I remember thinking, man, I'm destined for a life of mediocre if sport didn't work out for me. And the crazy thing was was that I had accepted a limiting belief or I had set a limitation on what was going to be possible for me, just because of this one score. I believe so heavily that that score defined who I was as an individual and for a number of years after that, you know, I didn't live up to my potential and I didn't change because I didn't believe that I could. The crazy thing is is so many people are defined by that. They allow their scores, or what people tell them to be true, to be the thing that defines them. And if you're like me, you are probably wanting to live an inspired life. You're wanting to live a you know, a life by design, one that you genuinely jump out of bed, not every day, because I don't believe anyone does, but most days where you're like I cannot believe this is my life, the people that I get to surround myself with, the experiences that I get to have I don't have financial stress. All of those sorts of things are what many of us are striving towards, and many people get limited because of moments like this in their life. I know it stopped me for a very long time. I was very fortunate. I had sport, as I guess, as a fallback and something to focus on to almost avoid the harsh reality that was going to come a few years later. But had I not have that, I would have had to really start going. Is this my life, or are there things that I can do to better improve that? The crazy thing is I don't believe, in looking back with the hindsight, that I have now that number of, really reflected who I was or what I was capable of.

Speaker 1: 2:45

The challenge was that I allowed the fear of failure to be the reason why I didn't put my hand up when I didn't understand things, why I didn't think differently or reach out or really have a crack at things. I just had been told hey, you're the athlete, don't stress about that, or you're not good at math, or you don't understand English. You're public speaking. It's poor, that I was like. Well, they're my teachers. They must know more than me. Therefore, I will believe that that whole fear of failure, of not trying to do things differently, is what really stunted my growth and it stopped the opportunity to get feedback from experts. It stopped the opportunity for me to really start flexing the muscle to develop those skills, because I do believe everything is coachable, is learnable, and it then took away many years of my life where I could have fast tracked success. So in today's episode, I wanna cover some things around how failure is going to be the greatest teacher that you can have.

Speaker 1: 3:41

A lot of people's relationship with failure, mind included, was terrible, and I think one of the biggest reasons why that is for many of us is because we attach to our identity. We associate I failed, therefore I am a failure, and that is could not be further from the truth. Just because you failed doesn't mean you a failure. For me personally, I believe the biggest failure is the fact that you're allowing fear to hold you back from taking the risks or enjoying the experiences or learning the thing that you want to learn, that you believe is gonna improve your quality of life. I believe that failure is just gonna shine that mirror back to say, hey look, you keep failing at this, but this is what's holding you back. If you are truly committed, then you can learn that thing and propel yourself forward. But it takes a lot to be able to get over that association of failing with failure or being a failure. So we're gonna go through one. Why we fail, secondly, you are not your past results but your response to them. I think that's a really key point. And thirdly which I think is one of the most important parts and if you hang around, I'm gonna teach you how to do that is fail fast and fail often.

Speaker 1: 4:51

The societal myth is that failure means you lack talent. I truly believe this. For such a long time I was like man, if I don't pick it up within the first minute, I'm just not talented in that area. I don't wanna do things that I'm not talented in. I need to find my talent, because that was so heavily linked to purpose and my opportunity of success. And if you've listened to this podcast long enough or you've read enough books, you'll understand that that's complete bull, bull, my BS. So that societal myth needs to change.

Speaker 1: 5:23

Failure means you haven't put the pieces of the puzzle together yet. Okay, that is something that I think is really important, and if you've ever done a puzzle, the reason why this reference comes to mind is at Christmas. We were doing a heap of puzzles randomly and I was watching people try and put the pieces in and they're having a crack and they're like nah, it doesn't quite fit there, let's put that over to the side, let's try another piece and see what that does. And as you started, I guess, failing in attempts, you were getting better feedback and you were also leaving yourself with a more focused point of which piece could go in that, that area of the puzzle, and that's no different to you achieving the goals that you want from your life. It's just once again trying pieces until you're left with greater focal point and the opportunity to get one of those pieces in, to see the whole picture, so to speak. So let's dive into the first part.

Speaker 1: 6:12

Why do we fear failure? I've begun to realize that the most successful people in the world have a positive relationship with failure, and I wanna give you, I guess, my understanding of a positive relationship with failure and also a negative relationship with failure, because, as I spoke about on the newsletter in the last week's episode. If we don't give definitions and if we don't establish the meaning of something, it is very hard for us to then build upon those ideas, because if I say positive relationship with failure and I don't define that for you, that could mean something different for you as it does for me. So then the points that we build off here may not make sense. So, for me, positive relationship with failure is feedback and learnings to achieve your desired outcome. Okay, meaning every failure is a cool that didn't work because of this or this is maybe where I need to improve. I need to learn this skill. I need to hang around with this person. I need to stop doing that.

Speaker 1: 7:04

Versus the negative relationship with failure is what most people have is fear. It's the adversity to risk taking, so you don't do the thing that's going to propel you forward. Not a cool place to live if you're wanting to build a great life. So I'm thinking well, why do the successful people have a positive relationship with fear when many of us don't? What makes them special and what I I guess, as I've thought about, I've started to the believe is true is they don't look at failure as a lack of success. Right, it's just they're focused on the progress, and a lack of progress does not equal failure. Rome wasn't built in the day is something that you've heard. You don't drop 10 kilos overnight. You don't gain 10 kilos overnight. You don't earn a million dollars overnight. It's the progress that gets you to that, whether it's building the relationship to close a deal, whether it's being in the gym at 5 am Every day for 12 months and counting your calories to lose or gain the weight. That progress, if you track it, can be a great area to fall back on in order to go hey man, I'm making progress, therefore I am succeeding.

Speaker 1: 8:09

And many of us, so focused on the outcome, we forget to appreciate the journey and recognize that, hey, progress is success. Progress is what's moving me, or moving the needle forward. So don't overlook the journey. It's going to be a very important part for you to take away from and I don't want to sit here, look and say that Only focus on the journey, not the outcome. I think they're both equally important. But where I believe a great skill set to develop is is when you're lacking motivational, you're lacking drive. Look future, focus right, look at the end goal of what you're trying to achieve. That can maybe motivate you. It can inspire you, but if you're in a position where it's like then I just need to get in ground, held day, or I'm not feeling successful because I haven't achieved that outcome yet, go to the process. How much progress have you made from where you started? It's why, for all of my clients, we use the 12 week game plan, because the goal that you set on Week one, every week you should be doing something to get closer to the outcome that you want to achieve in 12 weeks time.

Speaker 1: 9:06

I understand that, as human beings, our emotions go through, you know, waves and then peaks and troughs, and, depending on where you're at At any given time when you're reviewing your goal, you're like man, I'm making awesome progress or I'm really struggling here. But if we then go to the logical side but it's okay, you may feel that way, but what is the data saying? What is the plan that you've set out for and what you've been recording? Have you actually been making progress? And quite often people will look at anger oh, wow, I am actually, you know, making progress. I'm not at my desired outcome yet, but I'm much further along than I once was. And so for me and I've mentioned this a lot on the podcast when emotions are higher, intellect is low, and so when your emotions are taking over and telling you, man, you're a failure, you're not making progress, he's just got to go back to the data, right? That is the more intellectual, rational side. So that is why I'm a big believer in tracking your progress, right.

Speaker 1: 9:59

We look at and I'll talk about this actually, in this week's newsletter. I'll break this down for you guys, but I'll give you a sneak peek now, when you've got the vision, you attach the goals to it, okay, and then you create the plan, the plan of the things that you know should be doing to achieve the goals. If you start achieving those goals, you're going to start creating that vision of your ideal life. The things that we need to think about is like outcomes are important. They help us create the plan and define what we need to do in order to achieve that.

Speaker 1: 10:24

But many of us fall apart at this point because of the fear of failure. We think what if I mess up? What if I get it wrong? What if I'm not good enough? All valid thoughts and all things you should probably ask yourself, but you need to work through that and challenge it. So what if I don't mess it up? What if I don't get it wrong? What if I am good enough? What?

Speaker 1: 10:41

The negativity bias is something that we all experience and it's come with us through evolution. Where it's like man, I want to keep you safe, your brain is saying, hey, lucky, I'm going to get you to consider you're not good enough. I'm going to get you to consider failing. I'm going to get you to consider that you'll mess it up because I don't want you to go through that potential failure because your body doesn't or your mind, sorry, doesn't send a response to go man, if that breaks up and people judge you or laugh at you, that is like dying. That is your body's response to dying. When it's like man, I just don't want to go near that. I don't want to experience that. I want to keep you safe, which is generally in the comfort zone, which is further away from the life that you want.

Speaker 1: 11:20

So you have to accept fear is going to come with you, but you need to use fear as your compass to be able to know what things you should be doing to grow into the person that you need to become to have the life that you want to have. It doesn't need to be complicated, right, you can allow your mind to keep you safe and avoid failure. Or you can jump in the driver's seat and accept sorry, that you're going to be part of the process, sorry, it will be part of the process. Need to accept that failure doesn't define you, it guides you. So a couple of questions that I left in this week's newsletter are that, if you want to improve your relationship with fear, use these questions. I use them in my own life and if you're driving, I would probably you know you can pause it now and finish this later when you've got a pen and paper, or just start thinking about it.

Speaker 1: 12:03

But question number one where in your life are you afraid of failing? So it could be asking someone out on a date, it could be getting into the gym because you're worried. You know you've tried so many different routines and you've never managed to drop the weight, so you're afraid of getting back in there and failing again because you're associating it with who you are. You need to disassociate it with who you are and just keep trying different modalities, diets, things to get the feedback, to understand what's going to help you grow. The second question is what does failure actually look like? Right, give it a definition, so you know, because most people have a fear of something that don't actually understand or comprehend. The third isn't it absolute, and or can you learn from it? So there are things in life that you can do which is like a full stop, and I'll say suicide could be one. People experience grief and pain and they can contemplate or have suicidal ideology, and that's something you can't come back from. There's plenty of things in life that you can't come back from. So you need to think about the failures that are potentially there. Are they absolute or are they an opportunity for you to learn? And then, obviously, depending on where it swings in, that pendulum impacts the severity of those decisions. So I use those questions to think about how they can help me grow in the future.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Point number two you are not your results, but your response to them. This may sound like common sense, but you will be surprised how uncommon it is. Right the fulfillment of our life revolves around how we respond to it. Right the experiences, the people, the situations. An example is that two men could experience the same event and it could provide them with very different meanings. When I was writing the newsletter this week, I was trying to find the example and I couldn't find it. So I was like, maybe I just made it up in my head. I definitely didn't.

Speaker 1: 13:54

There is a story, but the story goes like this that two men grew up and they had their dad go to jail for a serious crime, you know, had life in prison, and he made fast forward as the men turned 30, one was in jail getting a life sentence as well, and the other was a lawyer and standing up for crime and had a beautiful family. When people heard about this story, they were interviewed and the man who went to jail the son, sorry, who went to jail with a life sentence said well, how could I not end up here, do you know who my father was? And then they interviewed the other son, who was a lawyer and had a beautiful family and stuff, and his same response was the same. I was like, well, how could I end up here? Do you know who my father was? So one was inspired to build a better life. One sort of took the same habits and actions and continued to do the same things that they did his dad did. So this is why, understanding the importance of how we respond to things matters more than anything. And this can be improved and grown through perspective, through networking, through self-awareness and some great skills that you can learn. Once again, failure taught me this because I believed I couldn't change until I started learning, I started reading, I started hanging out with different people and I noticed how I thought, act and behaved and who I was surrounding myself with changed as well. And if that's changing, so are my responses to certain situations.

Speaker 1: 15:18

Victor Franco Franco sorry wrote in Mansearch for Meaning. And if you haven't read that book amazing book between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. And it is such a beautiful thing from someone who was during the Holocaust for him to say that he went through probably some of the worst stuff in the world and he'd still chose to keep a certain standard with his responses and behaviors.

Speaker 1: 15:51

And for me it's like, okay, going back to what I said in point one, that when emotions are high, intellect is low. We just need to understand that. If our emotions are high, how can we manage them better? And there's a great book by Daniel Goldman, emotional Intelligence, which I'd highly recommend you read if you haven't, and there's a lot of steps that you can do there to start managing becoming more aware of your triggers and what emotionally supercharges you, because when you're in control of that, life becomes a lot more simple. We overcomplicate life because we aren't aware of how much our emotions are impacting our responses to certain events. And some events are really not that big deal and people will say and I've been guilty of saying it's all relative to the individual.

Speaker 1: 16:35

But I also believe that us as individuals should be moving towards a place where we can manage response, we can seek to understand and we can hold ourself to our highest standards, regardless of the adversity that we're facing. And a lot of these skills you can learn and develop. And one of the best ways I've done that through surrounding myself with people who have the results that I want or maybe are comfortable and capable of managing stress. And in our seven day strongman and value challenge program, which is 27 bucks, you'll go through over seven days developing these for yourself. You'll get the frameworks and, as I talk about, foundations rarely change, rare if ever, but utilizing those foundations to put in your own life so that you can start understanding and unpacking your mind and what's working well for you and what's not. You then put yourself in a very powerful position to continue to create change.

Speaker 1: 17:24

When you understand that you can learn skills to improve your life, your response to adversity improves. You'll feel like you have that superpower. You aren't the same man this year as you were last year or at least I would hope not and you shouldn't be the same man in 12 months as you are now. That would mean you're not growing, and in order to get different results and better outcomes, you must be growing. You must be changing your response to adversity and to the outcomes that you're getting, because those who can respond better to stimulus and adversity are the people who are generally climbing to the top, and I know that you're listening to this podcast because that's what you want. So it is a very powerful and important skill for you to develop. It should always be growing.

Speaker 1: 18:06

So a few questions once again to help you grow and, if you want these written down, head over to my newsletter in the link and you'll be able to get those questions and fill them out there, or you can just do the seven day challenge if you want to spend the 27 bucks, but a few questions help. What was my most recent obstacle that I faced? Secondly, how did I respond to it? We're now building self-awareness right, asking ourselves questions to real life experiences. For you, how would my best self have responded to it? Once again, future projection of who you want to be and how that person would show up. You're now starting to condition yourself to think differently and behave differently. What can I take from this for the future? Learnings there's always learnings from life.

Speaker 1: 18:47

Let's talk about point number three fail fast and fail often. I believe it's one of the most important parts and you're probably thinking why would I want to fail fast and why would I want to fail often? I've given this example a number of times in the podcast, where, when I started in network marketing, obviously we all start at the same level. We're given the same product, we're given the same tools and resources to build the business. In 12 weeks time, I was at the executive top level and a lot of the people who started at the same time as myself weren't. I thought that was interesting because I just did what they said to do and these people didn't. When I started talking to them, I noticed how much fear had held them back the fear of rejection, the fear of judgment, the fear of failure and potentially even the fear of success, and that fear that they weren't doing the thing that they needed to do to get the outcome. I found that very interesting, because I had the same fears. I wasn't standing there going. I never feared rejection. I never feared failure. I just became comfortable with it because the fear of not achieving what I wanted to achieve was more daunting.

Speaker 1: 19:46

As I said at the beginning, I believe the ultimate failure is not moving through the fear to create the life that you want for yourself. When I understood it and I thought people allow fear to associate with who they are I'm a failure, I'm a reject or I can't sell this. Therefore I'm useless I just thought, okay, well, I can always get better at that. The more I fail, the more rejections I get, the more phone calls I have. I'm going to get better at that. The short term failures lead to me developing the skill that's going to change my life.

Speaker 1: 20:15

I really want you to take that away. I really believe that if you're holding back and you go back to those questions earlier like what is the thing that you last failed with, or what are you not doing because of fear? That's the exact thing that you need to do in order to get the outcomes that you want, whether it's more money, healthier, better relationships. You need to start going. Okay, the truth is, failure doesn't define me. It is going to help guide me. So I'm hoping, by the time that you've finished listening to this, that you feel a little bit more inspiration and you know that confidence is going to be built through repetition, becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable. That's the only way to do it. It's a big reason why I'm a believer in having the right people around you, those who motivate, support you and inspire you to do those things as well, because, as I said, it is done. I've had a great support network even since I was back in network marketing, but even more so now within my business.

Speaker 1: 21:00

As I have to pick up the phone, it's like I know that I'm going to get hung up on. I know that I'm going to get rejected, but the potential change, not only in my own life but for the people that I work with, is so beneficial. You know, michael Jordan is a famous example of this and he was quoted as saying 26 times. I've been trusted to take the game winning, shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that's why I succeed.

Speaker 1: 21:23

Change your relationship with failure. Imagine if he quit after his first miss. He wouldn't be who he is today, and you're no different. You've got to fail to become the man that you want to become to get the results that you want. It's a stepping stone to success. It will teach you everything that you need. You must accept responsibility for this to work, and I want to give you once again another couple of questions.

Speaker 1: 21:43

If you are driving and you don't catch his head over to the website in the link below, here's what you do after you set a goal List actions in order of priority. Secondly, take action. Thirdly, review actions. Fourthly, revise if needed, meaning the actions that you're doing aren't the most beneficial and continue until when you focus on the process. You remove the failure because it's like this is the next step or this is what I need to revise, as opposed to man, I didn't get the outcome today. If you have a more positive relationship with failure, it won't define you. You'll understand that.

Speaker 1: 22:13

And I'm going to wrap it up there, guys, because, once again, if you want more of this, head over to the newsletter. Thank you for supporting the show. I truly appreciate it. We're growing massively in the United States at the moment, which is exciting because we have a lot of new listeners and I hope you're getting value from this. And, as I've said, if you do find yourself in a position where you want to get some more structure and start making some improvements, head over to the manthatcanprojectcom. You can check out our programs. If you fully want to get involved in our community, there's stuff there for you. If you just want some stuff to start making some progress, we've got that there as well and super simple. Head over to that website. My name is Lachlan Stewart. As always, do something today to be better for tomorrow.