A Map of Relationship Stages #544

Let's chat about the 3 phases of relationships.
1. Honeymoon Phase
2. Conflict Phase
2. Connection

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:51

I didn't sign up for this. You might be thinking to yourself your partner, you never did that before, but now you doing it. And the reality is maybe they didn't do that before, but they were hiding that. That is part of who they are. Maybe you're doing things that maybe you didn't do in the early stages Because you wanted to put up your best foot forward, you wanted to impress, but now it's coming up because it is part of who you are.

Speaker 1: 1:36

The three phases of relationships that is what we will be diving into on today's episode. So, if you stick around to the end, I'm not only going to share these three stages with you and some personal stories. I'll give you what I believe a framework that have helped me go from phase one to phase two. Phase two, where most relationships are the fall apart, or they stay together and they just, in my opinion, just rot because they don't know how to go to phase three, or they don't want to put the work in the go to phase three, which is when the most incredible relationships are. So stick with me to the end and I'm going to give you that framework Before we dive in. Once again, if you're here for the first time checking out the podcast. Thank you for stopping by. I aim to deliver Extreme amounts of value for men, to help you be able to take your life to that next level and live an inspired life. Now. An inspired life is something that you get to create for yourself. I'm a big believer that we can learn a lot from People from all walks of life, and we can use their perspective experiences to Fast track our own success and understanding around what we want as men and as individuals. I then believe that if you can get a framework, okay takes away a lot of overwhelm, because if you can see where you're at in a specific framework, you can then go okay, this is where I'm at. This is what I need to Figure out or find out in order to tick that off. So then I can move to the next stage because, ultimately, we're building our life brick by brick and within our strongman evaluation Academy, which is our main program that we offer at the man that came project. We have six phases and I'm not going to go into that. And boy with that now wouldn't even boy, you're probably excited, you with that now we're going to get back into the episode, but, as I said for the new listeners. If you're here, make sure you hit the subscribe button so you don't miss episodes. We drop episodes every Thursday, which is solar episodes with myself. You know, as I said today, it's a coaching one around those three phases or stages of relationships, which is extremely valuable for men. And on Mondays I interview guest experts or whether they're athletes, incredible business owners or just coaches themselves that can provide values, perspectives and stories to help you better improve your life. So make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any of those episodes. Back to the episode.

Speaker 1: 3:58

So a great quote I read when I was doing a bit more, I guess, structuring for this podcast was this a great relationship. A great relationship Sorry, love is a constant dance between connection and disconnection, and that was by Dr Sue Johnston, and when I read that, I was that that's perfect, like that really just makes a lot of sense. Because when we feel connected to something we you know, for me personally, I feel like I'm valued, I feel like I'm being heard and I feel like that's reciprocal. That's when I feel like this sense of connection, the sense of belonging. When I feel disconnected, I don't feel valued, I don't feel heard, I don't feel understood. And because life happens In such An incredible way where sometimes it allows us space and time to prioritize the relationships. Other times it may pull you more towards your career or health things, or we all have stuff that pops up which can cause that rift within your relationship. But I think if we can understand that it's that balance is that juggling act, we will then be able to work through it. So that was a beautiful quote that I read.

Speaker 1: 5:08

But let's go back to the beginning. The first phase is honeymoon phase. I'm going to give you some rough time estimates that I believe they last for, but, once again, every relationship, including yours, may be different. The second place is the conflict phase. In the third phase is the connection phase. Okay, the connection phase is where, where I believe, all relationships should be aspiring to grow. To many don't get there.

Speaker 1: 5:34

So the honeymoon phase is that special phase. Right, it brings to you know, together a relief of their reciprocated love with the excitement of the future that is still yet to be created. It's the passion of time, the wild sex. You have the rose colored glasses on. You cannot see your partner in any shades of bad, but what we need to recognize is that all things in life have this bell curve approach and as individuals, we all have stuff, and if you want to look into this further, check out Dr Carl Jung and the shadow, shadow work or shadow self, because there's parts of us that we're embarrassed about, maybe ashamed about that. We try to keep in the shadows. We don't want people to see or know about us, and that happens in a relationship as well. The challenge with that is that eventually it's going to wear its head, because if you spend enough time around anyone, they guards going to drop, and that's going to be the same for you, and we'll go into that in point number two. Back to the bell curve. For those who are watching on YouTube, you'll be able to see the shape that I'm making.

Speaker 1: 6:33

In everything we've got the ascension, the building phase, the exciting phase when we're motivated, we're learning new things, we feel like we're making progress. That then leads us to the peak point. I can peak in relation. You know we've always seen when you're at the peak of your career, the only way to go is down right. We've seen it with athletes, musicians, business owners etc. But what you can do is you can prolong the peak by doing certain things and that's going to really come to fruition at the end of this.

Speaker 1: 6:59

When I give you the, the framework that I believe in, I think we've obviously got the descending or the decalde inclination is that's the right word okay, of that, that process. But when we're ascending, it can happen fast, it can happen slow, but quite often when we're growing, we allow room for the things that maybe irritate you. So as we hit that peak, that's when we really start noticing hey man, I didn't sign up for this. You might be thinking to yourself with your partner, you never did that before, but now you're doing it. And the reality is, maybe they didn't do that before, but they were hiding that. That is part of who they are. Maybe you're doing things that maybe you didn't do in the early stages because you wanted to put up your best foot forward, you wanted to impress. But now it's coming up because it is part of who you are. And once that honeymoon phase starts wearing off and once that honeymoon phase starts wearing off, then we move into the conflict stage.

Speaker 1: 8:00

One thing that I think is important to highlight here as well is change is the only constant in life. Okay, so, even if you don't want to leave your comfort zone and look to grow a relationship and settle with one. Change is going to happen. You're going to get older Okay. Your priorities will change, just as a byproduct of where you're at in life, and as a result of that, it means you're going to look at things in different ways. You're going to have, probably shape, different beliefs, which is important to understand within a relationship.

Speaker 1: 9:34

So, for me, when I'm thinking about the honeymoon phase and you may be there, you may be past that, or you may not even be in a relationship yet, but this is mindful to be wary of we all want to go back to the honeymoon phase. It's where everyone wants to live. It's exciting, it's all of those things that I mentioned earlier. Okay, but by nature we cannot sustain it hormonally. With the bloody, dopamine hits Eventually. It settles, as with anything that's new and exciting, and that is okay.

Speaker 1: 10:01

It does not mean that your relationship is broken. There are plenty of people who just go oh that our relationship must be broken. I need to get over this one and get to the next one. I need to keep finding that honeymoon highs we'd call it, but the honeymoon high always will wear off, and if you seek to have a long-term relationship, one that is full of passion, that is full of love, and you really are building a life together. You need to understand that and be okay with it and accept that your relationship is not broken. We're just moving into phase two, right, the conflict phase.

Speaker 1: 10:37

Another thing I just want to quickly highlight with the honeymoon phase and I'll share a personal story here you can be codependent in a relationship, meaning that they're all that matter. You want to spend all your time around them and you start sacrificing other areas of your life whether it's your health, your other relationships with your mates because you just want to be around them all the time. And then you've got the interdependent, where you're excited about this relationship but you're still making time for the life that you had prior. And codependency is not healthy and I'll get into that as we go through it. But many people and I did this early on in many relationships all my mates would say man, we never see you anywhere more, you're always with X. And I was like no man, we're just spending a bit of time, but I'll make time for you.

Speaker 1: 11:23

And then I would always bail to spend time with the girlfriend at the time when I was very fortunate with my now wife is we lived two hours apart. So because we lived two hours apart, we were almost forced to be interdependent, meaning we were excited about the relationship, we had all the honeymoon stuff going on, but we were also living two hours apart, building our own lives, catching up with our own friends. So we had to deal with the jealousy, we had to deal with the insecurities that maybe we were both bringing into the relationship. We not had the opportunity to do that. We would have been codependent to the point where we would have suffocated each other and not dealt with the insecurities and the jealousy and whatever other baggage we were bringing. We all come with baggage, and so I believe that is a beautiful thing, and I guess a tip there for those of you who are in the honeymoon phase is make sure you remain interdependent.

Speaker 1: 12:20

You build the relationship together. You're committed to that, but you're still hanging out with friends. You've still got your career and your own goals and ambitions outside of that that you can focus on. You don't just become solely dependent on the individual. So how to move. Obviously, time is always going to take you there. It could be anywhere from three to sort of nine months.

Speaker 1: 12:39

I believe the honeymoon phase lasts for about time we'll have you getting there. So when you're aware of it, you can transition a lot smoother. Things like communicating well is going to be made will help you make that transition a lot easier. Understanding your flaws so you feel comfortable is beginning to communicate that. But also, as you start noticing some of their flaws, you're not quick to judge. You go okay, that's something that we want to work on, or I want to highlight, maybe because it's crossing a boundary or it irritates you, agitate you, and that's okay. You should talk about that. But when you're aware of that, you're not just going to judge them and put yourself on a high horse, is if you don't have any issues and think the relationship needs to be done.

Speaker 1: 13:23

And another final thing, because generally in this transition period, people stop bickering, they start arguing I don't. You know I don't fight. We've never had big fights, so I don't believe you should be fighting. Personally, I think you can do the work to respect each other enough to have great conversations. But One thing to consider is when your emotions are higher, your intellect is low. So be mindful of that. And if you're, you know, in a heightened emotional state. Take a break before you finish the conversation. So we're now in phase two, right conflict.

Speaker 1: 13:56

It's when the flaws start to expose. We all have them. We start feeling a little bit more comfortable. So we start removing the mask and, as we said, you may spend. Some of.

Speaker 1: 14:05

You guys may listen to this podcast every week and have an idea of how you think I am as an individual. But it may be very different to if you were part of our Academy and you saw me more regularly. Or If you were just even my mate, one of my mates, and you spend a lot more time around me, you might go hmm, I'm seeing a different side, and of course you would, because when I'm on the podcast I'm presenting a side of myself that I want to be, have a bit of influence in education etc. But I'm human, like all of you. There's so much stuff that I need to work on okay, and I don't shy away from that. But also not everyone gets to see that because they're not spending a lot of time around me. That means that the same will happen in your relationships. As you start to spend more time with your partner, you'll start noticing those things. If the relationship is important to you, you will start to accept that. No, okay, but if it's crossing boundaries, that's when we need to start communicating, to help you start working through this from the conflict phase to the connection phase. Okay, so you know things in the academy that we discuss a lot, and I'm so grateful for this community because relationships are the cornerstone of our life, whether it's intimate, whether it's with work, colleagues, friends, family, and the skills that you can develop there around emotional intelligence, meaning your awareness, your emotional regulation, how you're showing up in relationships To your communication, learning to communicate in different ways with different people and communicate honestly with yourself, so that you can communicate honestly with people around you, okay, and then just accepting you for you, a lot of people are embarrassed about themselves there, don't feel worthy and they project that onto other people.

Speaker 1: 15:46

This is why the work with you must come first, since what we prioritizing? The academy? Helping you get to a point where You're a man of value right, a strong man of value, someone who knows what you stand for, knows how you show up, knows the influence that you want to have in your life, because then you can communicate, that you can set boundaries, you can lead people very important things and you can lead your relationship. Most men can't do that, which is why the relationships don't go the way they want them to know. We all have insecurities, we all have trauma, we all have fears. That is normal. But being aware of that and being able to manage that in this juggling act is what's going to help move you to that connection phase.

Speaker 1: 16:25

Okay, a few other things to be mindful of Is agreed to do the work right and when I say the work, it's what we do in the academy. It could be understanding yourself more. Some things that I do I write because I want to understand what's going on in my head. I listen to podcasts, like you're doing right now. I read books, I have conversations and ask questions that I'm genuinely curious about because I just want perspective. Perspective helps me make better decisions. Better decisions lead to better outcomes.

Speaker 1: 16:55

So you need to be conscious of your triggers, the things that are you up, maybe with your partner. We all have them, but if you can be mindful of them, you can discuss them. Okay, but you can also learn to manage them needed. Drop the defenses. I remember I used to just be aggressive and angry when people would challenge me and or in times when Amy and I would be working through something together, I would shut down because I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling. So the easiest thing for me to do so I wouldn't say something wrong was to shut down. But that wasn't effective because then she thought I was just not interested in solving the challenge that we were working through.

Speaker 1: 17:34

So it becomes very important to work, do the work on yourself, and an exercise there just that's come to mind that I do a lot with our clients is, if you're not comfortable with articulating or saying how you know, saying how you feel, start filming yourself by talking. You don't have to share it with anyone, but watch it back. Right, you're going to get feedback around how you're showing up the words that you're using. Every time that you don't really say the thing that you meant to say, because you can go. Okay, next time, if I get this opportunity, or when I film myself again, I'll say it this way. That's how we make progress. So that's a good little exercise for you.

Speaker 1: 18:12

But to go from the conflict phase to now, where we want to be with the connection phase, where most relationships do not get to, here's a few things that I would do. Number one do the work on yourself. And if you're struggling, I've already mentioned a few things you can do podcast, listen to book, ask questions you curious about? Join the Academy. We'll be able to really help you there. This is what the Academy is about Make time to grow as a couple.

Speaker 1: 18:38

As you live with anyone long enough, you take them for granted, right? You think that because you're living under the same roof, that's counted as time together. It's not. You still need to make time for connection, for valued time. So make sure you whether it's date nights or scheduling time together as a couple do things like that.

Speaker 1: 19:00

I was on a podcast last night with Ryan Drake, so I think it's called Behind the Business and we were talking about it. I was like Amy and I make sure that we talk before we go to bed. While we're laying in bed, we just have a couple of minutes chat, check in on how the day's been, any stresses, all of that sort of stuff, and that makes us feel connected, because I know what she's experiencing and she can also then understand what I'm experiencing. So there's a good thing to do there. And thirdly, I think this is extremely important for that, moving you to the connection phases.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Continually have new experiences. Don't just get stuck in routine. Routine means you don't need to think. Habits mean you don't need to think it's important to be attentive, it's important to think, it's important to show up in your relationship. So continually do new things. Don't worry about whether you enjoy it or not. Obviously, if you know the person well, you'll be able to make more accurate decisions around what they may be enjoying or whatever. But look, amy and I have done so many random things over the years and some of them we've not liked at all. Like we did a ghost tour here in Nashville and we were just like let's do it. It's random, starts at 9pm I'm normally in bed by then, but it was cool. Like I wouldn't rave about it, but it was very interesting. And then it also gave us an idea for our next day to do a history tour, because during the ghost tour we learned a lot about the Nashville history and we're like that's actually interesting. I want to do that. So there's some good things to do from the connection. But now we're in phase three, connection.

Speaker 1: 20:26

This is when you know you're committed and you know you're accepting of your other partner, regardless of you know the flaws, the insecurities, the strengths. We all have all of those things. But this is where we are clear as individuals around our wants, our needs, our desires, our boundaries, our expectations, our personal standards, because you can then communicate that with your partner and vice versa. They should be clear on that as well, so that you can support each other. You also want to have those wants, needs and desires as a couple. Okay, it's important to have those. Now you're ultimately becoming a team and for anyone who's played team sport, this is what, once again, I'm a big believer everyone should play team sport. Growing up is you start to understand your role and throughout a season of sport, for example, there are injuries right, which means your role in the team may change. Okay, you may get dropped from the team, you may get an injury right, but your role changes.

Speaker 1: 21:20

If you're still committed to the same goal. If you're going to have a sook about it and piss off, probably not committed to the team, but if you'll know that the goal is to build a successful relationship, you will understand that it's not always going to be a 50-50 split in regards to you give one thing, I take the other. Advice first. Sometimes it could be a 95-5, it could be a 70-30 in regards to who's doing what for who. Now I want to be very clear if it's always 95-5 or 70-30, then that's not a healthy relationship. But it swings like a pendulum and if you're watching me on YouTube, you'll see the hands moving. But that's how it should be and you should be mindful of that.

Speaker 1: 21:57

Moving to America, we did this for my wife, but prior to that she's done so much to support me. So, the pendulum swinging back. Now we're helping her pursue her career, which meant sacrifices for me. But because we communicate, because we're building something together as a team and as a husband and wife, we're both okay with that and we understand what our roles are in getting us to where we want to get to. And that has not come without some tough conversations, without plenty of mistakes. But this is where that connection piece matters, because you're a team and it's not just a feeling, it's those boundaries, the communications, the experiences that you're having. So I want you to think about that and I hope that's been very helpful for you to understand the differences between the honeymoon phase, which is phase one, generally last six to nine months, the conflict phase, which most relationships don't break it past. Some even stay there for 30-plus years. But let's just assume you want to get through that period as quickly as possible. Once again, you won't get through it without a few headaches and a bit of banter and back and forth, but you want to get to that connection phase right. And to me that means you are a team. You recognize that, you're committed, you're accepting of each other, you're building and growing. You understand that you have flaws, you have strengths, you have weaknesses, but ultimately you're building a life together. Okay, and you continue to show up. I hope you have found that valuable.

Speaker 1: 23:21

Next week I'm going to be talking more on the solo episode. I'll be talking about the stages of communication. Communication is such an important thing. That really changed my life and there was a guy who pulled me up at the pub once, and I don't know who this guy is, but he pulled me up and this sticks in my mind and it's changed my life in regards to wanting to learn to communicate better, wanting to learn how to say what I mean.

Speaker 1: 23:45

I was at a pub and the guy was chatting away and he asked me a question. I can't remember the question, but my response was something along the lines of it's effing effed. And he said to me dude, what does that even mean? How about you tell me what you really well, how about you have a go at telling me what you really mean? And in that moment I was pissed off, like I was like how dare you pull me up? Like I feel embarrassed, I feel self, you know, not worthy, and that's that was my own stuff to work on it. But he wasn't insinuating that, he was just wanting to actually understand what I was meaning. So from that moment I realized pretty quickly I needed to learn to communicate honestly and effective with myself. That's number one, because the more openly and honestly I could communicate with myself, I could then communicate better with people around me, because I knew what I wanted to say and then I could communicate with the world around me, meaning I could build my influence, I could build my leadership.

Speaker 1: 24:41

So make sure you hit the subscribe button. Tune in next Thursday for that episode. But also this Monday is going to be one of my favorite episodes with a guy called Bradley Farqua. He's done some incredible feats, wants to check out space. He has a very powerful story around that and some of you may be going huh cool dream. When you meet this guy and understand what he's accomplished and what he's done, you'll be like fuck, this guy probably will actually achieve that. So I look forward to seeing you guys on the Monday episode. Thank you guys for being here. My name is Lachlan Stewart and, as always, do something today to be better for tomorrow.