Finding Your Tribe: Authentic Connection and Community #562

Have you ever felt like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle? This episode is for anyone who's ever searched for their tribe, a community where they feel they truly belong. I open up about the winding path to discovering my own place in the world, and how choosing to align with people who share my values and beliefs has been nothing short of transformative. We dissect the societal epidemic of loneliness and the silent battles many face due to a lack of connection, unpacking why carving out spaces for authenticity is not just important, but essential for our well-being.

Navigating the pressures to conform and shedding the masks we wear is a journey we discuss with candor, as I recount my youthful struggle between the allure of rugby and my passion for skateboarding. The conversation also takes a turn towards the liberating waters of personal growth, where, like fishermen, we learn to cast wide nets but keep only the friendships that enrich our lives. With engaging stories and a framework for self-discovery, this episode is a compass for anyone looking to cultivate deep, meaningful relationships that transcend simple acquaintance—and, as always, there's a sprinkle of insight on how to nurture these connections for mutual growth and fulfillment.

10% Discount = TMTCP
Buy Now

Breathe Better, Sleep Better - Recover Rite

Trouble sleeping? Recover Rite's mouth tape and nose strips improve your sleep by optimising your breathing. Perfect for anyone seeking a restful night.

Transcript

Speaker 0: 0:51

Find your tribe. It's not too late. Without a sense of belonging, individuals and communities suffer. With it, they thrive.

Speaker 0: 1:00

I'm super excited about this week's newsletter and episode that I'm talking to you about, because it's something that I struggled with for a very long time. I know a lot of people that I work with struggle with it and I can almost guarantee a lot of you that are listening to this or reading this are suffering and struggling with it as well. What I've thought about, and I've looked into a lot, is more about building communities, and communities can't be established without individuals like yourself and myself coming together with a common goal and values and belief systems in order to really gel and move forward. As a result of you feeling like you have a place in that community, or myself, we then experience that sense of belonging that all of us crave and all of us desire. What I do want to mention before you continue listening over on the newsletter, which you can find on my website, there's a number of diagrams that I find really helpful to help you understand this more. If you're very much like myself, where you love seeing imagery on how things work, and I've spent a fair bit of time really breaking this down, thinking about the most simple way that I would have enjoyed consuming it a number of years ago and still the most simple way and way that I enjoy consuming it today. So I really appreciate you guys being here.

Speaker 0: 2:21

Think about it like this there are events that you go to. There are people that you speak with that you just feel like the time has flown and you want it to continue. Then there are events that you attend meetups that you go to, people that you speak to, where you're like I never want to see that person again, I never want to experience that again, and they are all completely okay. What a lot of people don't truly do is reflect on the impact of those experiences, because if you were doing that, you would probably be much closer to being in the environment where you experience that sense of belonging because you've gone. Oh, I need more of that in my life. Therefore, let's schedule time to do that, or schedule time to invest in that relationship. I hope that's making sense.

Speaker 0: 3:05

The sense of belonging that a lot of us are chasing is you want to feel valued, you want to have common interests, you want to have purpose within that environment, meaning you're not just showing up and sitting in the corner and you feel like you can be your authentic self. You know, there was a stat that I read this week that three in four Americans and Australia is a little bit less don't feel a sense of belonging in at least one area of their life. And the cool thing about that is that if you feel a sense of belonging at least one area of your life, you just need to reflect on why is that? And develop a framework, and I think the one that I'll give you throughout this episode will be extremely helpful, because you can then go okay, well, if this is the framework that works in this area, let's say, professionally, have found your sense of belonging, you've found your tribe. Then, if you've found that there, you need to just break that down and then go okay, let's duplicate that in my personal life and I guarantee you you'll move much closer to where you want to be.

Speaker 0: 3:59

Firstly, why should we care, and why should you care, that there are a lot of people suffering in silence? You may be one of them or someone that you know, but I just gave it away and I just realized that is, we should care that people don't have a sense of belonging because they are suffering in silence. I've been there. I know a number of my clients, as I've mentioned, and a number of you guys are suffering in silence, and it doesn't need to be that way. So what I'm going to share with you isn't a quick fix. It has been an ongoing journey for myself and something that took probably 18 months before I really grasped it, because I had a lot of work to do on myself before I could really fit into the environments and the meetups that I wanted to, and that's why self-discovery is such an important part. I've built a course that you guys can check out on the website, which will help you, in just three hours, get really clear on that and build a roadmap to start discovering more about who you are and what you want, because when you're in a position where you really have an idea of who you are in this moment, it will evolve and what you want. You can then start seeking out experiences and meetups that are more aligned with that, because that's going to help you get around those like-minded people and experiences that are going to give you that huge sense of belonging. So think about that, but you must accept you are responsible for doing this. No one else can do it for you. As much as it pains me to say that, because I know some of you are in pain, you have to step up and you have to really ask more of yourself in this moment to get yourself on the other side, where life is great. I've walked that path. I understand how hard it can be to dig yourself and if you don't have a good support network around, it's probably going to be that little bit harder. But if you're listening to this, you're already doing more than most people. You just need to put into practice what you're listening to right now.

Speaker 0: 5:46

So back to 2013, almost 11 years ago now, I wasn't living authentically, and to me, living authentically means living by my own values, my own beliefs and my own goals. At the time, I recognize as much as, on the outside looking in, I was living a great life. I'd been playing rugby in France, I had good relationships, some cool friends. I still never felt like I was truly being myself. I wasn't living authentically and, as a result of that, I wasn't experiencing the fulfillment that I thought I should be with the success that I achieved, or sustained at that. So for a long time, I felt confused. I was feeling lost and I was like I thought this was success. I thought this was supposed to make me feel fulfilled and I would feel like I really belong to something or being a part of something. But because I had adopted other people's beliefs, other people's values and other people's goals of what a good life should look like, I didn't feel like I belong because it wasn't congruently what I wanted. And if you're experiencing that, that is okay. But coming back to, you need to take responsibility for that. You really need to start doing this self-discovery work to get back on path with this, because it's never too late. It honestly isn't.

Speaker 0: 7:00

I do believe, and I'll be completely honest, when I first experienced, I guess, wanting to fit in and I believe everyone wants to fit in that's that whole sense of belonging. But unfortunately, we sacrifice our own values, beliefs, standards or goals in order to fit into crowds that maybe we don't or wouldn't fit into had we known more about where we want to be in life. And I did that, and this is nothing against any of the communities that I was part of. They were all stepping stones, but what happened as a result of that was that I sacrificed so much of my opportunity to discover more about who I was. Now I remember when I was 13, and this is probably one of the earliest memories of really trying to fit in I went to a rugby school on a scholarship for running right, but as someone who loves skateboarding and loved running, I was quite skinny.

Speaker 0: 7:49

And I went to this rugby school and I stood out for my own reasons, because I was winning state titles, et cetera, and so I started getting picked on, and I didn't like getting picked on no way. So what I decided to do was, I thought, if I become a rugby player, I'll be, I guess, accepted by the people who are picking. So I stopped and I guess I changed my goals. I shifted what I valued in order to fit in, and I did fit in. I didn't stand out and fitting into the wrong crowd and I won't say wrong crowd because I love the great mates but I guess, from what I was trying to achieve standpoint, I didn't feel like I was being authentically myself. I'd sacrificed part of who I was, and that is not a fun place to live.

Speaker 0: 8:29

The power of wanting to fit in really pulled me away from where I was truly supposed to be, and it wasn't until I was older that I recognized I want to put a disclaimer here being so young and not really having the tools or the education to understand how important it is to discover who you are. I needed that. I didn't want to get picked on, I didn't want to stand out in a world where, like this whole video, I wanted to belong, I wanted to find out, and so I wouldn't change that. And for the younger people listening, this framework will be more powerful for you than ever. And I do believe social media is an incredible tool for people trying to find their tribe, because you can find such niche or unique communities that you didn't have access to pre-internet. So I guess, to circle it back to that experience, I was thrown into the unknown zone, or the discomfort, in a whole new environment.

Speaker 0: 9:20

And when you're in a new environment you will feel imposter syndrome, especially if you're good at something. You will feel overwhelmed and you will doubt yourself. That's all part of it. And in those moments, with the right perspective, you can grow. And the upsides of that is you get to build resilience, you get new opportunities, you get personal growth. But a lot of people want to stay in that comfort zone. They want to stay sheltered where they are because it's like I just want to fit in, I just want that belonging. But the consequences of belonging to the wrong group are dire and I'm sure you've experienced it. I've experienced it right no growth, no purpose, no true value.

Speaker 0: 9:55

And I want to help you guys change. If you really want that sense of belonging, you've got to accept you will grow because, in order to put yourself out there to find that sense of belonging, you're going to be meeting new people. That is growth, right. New conversations, new perspectives, new ideas, new opportunities, okay. And you will be in new environments Once again, going to a place which maybe you haven't been in before. That is daunting. That is going to bring you those, I guess, negative feelings. But if you can accept that, or if you can understand that those negative feelings come with the unknown zone how do I best prepare for that? You will get comfortable in that process, which is a key part of building better connection and finding your tribe, finding your network.

Speaker 0: 10:35

So let's dive in. The framework that I'm going to go through right now will bring you back to your most authentic self. Remember, it's not a quick fix. It will take time and it will evolve, because as you learn things, as you experience new things and you're in new environments, your mindset will shift, your beliefs will shift, and that should continue to happen throughout life, because who you are right now, or what brought you to this point, isn't a version of yourself. That's going to bring you to where you want to get to, and it's going to be that rinse and repeat cycle. So, even if you feel extremely lost, this will work for you. So where do you belong? We've got the diagram there. We've got self-discovery.

Speaker 0: 11:13

I then move to point two, which is events and meetups, and I'll explain why that's so important. Number three is the corridor or coffee conversations. Right, the conversations happen at those or in those meetups and spaces where you get to connect with people more on a deeper level. And then we've got, finally, the mateship. Through those coffee conversations and those corridor conversations, you'll recognize some people that you really want to continue establishing a relationship with, and you can see the arrow down the side there. It says more at the top and goes to less, because when you're in the self-discovery phase, you're probably going to be meeting a lot more people and as you go down to mateship, there's going to be fewer. I'm always talking about in for three to five great mates, and I'll dive into that in a moment.

Speaker 0: 11:57

So self-discovery is the first point In order to find the authentic version of yourself. What do you want, what do you value, what do you believe, what are your desires are some key questions that you can start with Now. The journey of self-discovery is personal, so you're going to have different responses to those questions to other people in your life. A simple starting point for you is embracing new experiences. If you don't know where to start, just say yes to different experiences and reflect on the impact of those and rinse and repeat and you're going to get more feedback around. Oh, I love that. I don't want to do more of that.

Speaker 0: 12:30

Let's go to point two, the events and experiences piece. We all need a reason to show up somewhere. So when there is an event or a meetup or a concert with someone that you or something that you're interested in, you already have reason to be there, and the cool thing about that is other people who are going to this have reason to be there as well, and it's generally a common interest. You've already ticked that first, I guess, point of rapport, because you have commonality. That's why you'll always find like-minded people at events. Once you meet the people, I guarantee you quite often you're going to want to have more time with those people.

Speaker 0: 13:06

I know, as someone who recharges I guess, by myself I find it very hard to be outgoing in events. However, in 2014, where I wanted to continue developing and building on my network and my friendship circles, I just made the effort to meet one to three new people at every function that I went to. So that meant the next step from these events was really important the corridor conversations, but I just want to touch on as well. The key was for me that discovering more about yourself happens by meeting new people, having new experiences and being introduced to new ideas. Right, that is how you discover more about yourself and you may be in a position where you are confident you know more about what you want, so you can create events. You can host meetups, and that might be I'll go through this in a minute a really powerful way to utilize it getting the right people together quickly. But if you're not, you don't really understand what you're interested in or where you belong. You can just start attending other people's meetups, events or barbecues, whatever it may be. I'm not going to dive too much into this episode, but if you do have questions, comment them below. But I did a tweet and it went quite well, bringing people together and creating a sense of belonging. You can be the person to make it happen. Here is how Number one, know your community. So, as I said, the values, beliefs, standards and goals. Number two, create a meetup. And three, allow time to connect to those meetups because we know people want it. It's a belonging and we know people want to find that the cool thing.

Speaker 0: 14:33

As I mentioned at the beginning as well, this isn't just limited to your personal life. I did it in my professional life. When I came back from France, I had worked in, I guess before I became a coach as well. I worked in construction, in sales, in marketing. I was Brisbane's best Uber driver at Proclam by myself. I did avocado picking, farming. They were all things that taught me and directed me to where I am now because I was able to go. I love this about this industry, I don't like this about this industry, and I also knew more of around the direction. So, as a result, I got to put myself in more environments where there were people who had similar ideas of what they wanted for their life.

Speaker 0: 15:14

Point three so connection. Don't be too busy to connect with people. If you want a sense of belonging, you need to be part of a bigger community, and that means you must invest time. People who don't have friends don't invest time in their social life, and if that's not important to you, that's okay. But a lot of people want the sense of belonging, which means you must learn to say no in other areas of your life so that you can prioritize investing in relationships and investing in being part of a community.

Speaker 0: 15:43

Once again, the reason why self-discovery is at the very top of this is, if you're time poor, which most people are, the greater understanding you have about who you are, what you want and the community that you're looking for, you can go straight there. You can beeline it there. But if not, you're going to have to sort of play around and find out where you really fit in and what you enjoy and what values you share. So, once again, that self-discovery course can save you a lot of time. So most people do get stuck at that first point because they don't know what they want, who they are. They just hold themselves back because they don't want to embarrass themselves, they don't want to be in an uncomfortable situation. Just think the more you can embrace those situations, the quicker you are going to get feedback, I guarantee you. Right, this is a little challenge, but if you committed 30 days to doing something new every day, or meeting one new person every day, you would probably know more about yourself, who you are and what you want than the average person. So that could be a good place for you to start Now, if you're following along, it's not that hard to stand out in the friendship world if you just follow these steps right, because a lot of people are sitting at home, sitting behind screens, hoping to build relationships, hoping to find their tribe.

Speaker 0: 16:51

It's not going to work like that. Now let's move to the fourth and final your tribe, your mateship. So once we've had those coffee conversations, those corridor conversations, as I mentioned, there will be people that stand out to you that you go. I want to invest more in those relationships. Grab their contact details, whether it's their Instagram account, their mobile, their email, and find a way to continue building and adding value to that relationship. You might be grabbing a coffee, you might go for a run, you may do a workout, whatever you're interested in, whatever the vibe of that community is, do more of that and build on that and, through time and through energy and obviously if it's reciprocal, you're going to build some really quality friends.

Speaker 0: 17:31

An example for me is two of my best friends are actually part of our Strongman of Value Academy and they first came to one of my workshops around 2019, 2020. So they were seeking my help to have a breakthrough Off the back of that. Because we had similar values, similar beliefs, we became great mates, similar interests and it's just built that relationship and they're in my top five Facebook, myspace friends, but they are in the top five people that I consider dear friends. So I think it's important to think about it like that. Come through any opportunity, be okay with the fact that as you go through these steps, the people around you or people associated there will decline. You don't need a quantity of friends, you just need the quality. That's what we want for that sense of belonging, because it's depth over width.

Speaker 0: 18:17

It's like casting that fishing net. Remember that you'll cast. You may pull in some bottles, some plastic or whatever, but you're just looking for that nice bit of snapper as you pull that in, you grab that out. Look to really build on that. So, just to wrap this one up, if you got value from this, make sure one you've subscribed to the newsletter and if you do want to have help with discovering more about yourself, jump on the three-hour self-discovery course. It is game-changing. I've put everything into it worksheets, interactive stuff so you can walk away from it knowing more about yourself in the next three hours than you did previously. And, once again, it's self-paced. You can work through it in pockets of time, but I would highly recommend doing that. Share this with someone that you know will get value from this. My name is Lachlan Stewart, thank you.