Man That Can with Lachlan Stuart

Being Mentored Changed My Life | Ryan McCarthy #625

Lachlan Stuart / Ryan McCarthy Episode 625

Message me your 'Takeaways'.

Ryan McCarthy, host of the OneTalk Podcast, shares his journey from addiction and anxiety to becoming a leading voice in mental health and personal growth. In this powerful episode, we explore the pivotal moments that shaped his life and the lessons he’s learned along the way.

Takeaways:

  • How vulnerability and storytelling can create meaningful change.
  • The key daily practices to build resilience and improve mental health.
  • Why shifting your mindset is the first step toward overcoming any challenge.

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Do Something Today To Be Better For Tomorrow

Lachlan Stuart:

Welcome back to the man that Can with Lachlan Stuart. Today I'm joined with Ryan McCarthy, host of One Talk Podcast, which is how we first connected. A number of years ago, I was a guest on Ryan's show and over the last couple of years I've watched you continue to grow in leaps and bounds and really have a huge impact in the mental health space, but just for people the way that you bring communities together and your passion to help people maximize their life through learning about health, business, mental health and relationships. And I'm very excited to have a conversation with you today just to learn more about how you got here and the direction that you're going in. But I wanted to, I guess, before we dive into your story, ryan, and learn a lot more about you. Your personal story is so impactful. I read a lot of your posts and have listened to a number of your episodes, but what's a part of your journey that you don't often get to share that you feel is essential to understanding how you got here today?

Ryan McCarthy:

Well, I just want to start with thanks as well for having me on Lachlan. It's been a pleasure to connect a couple of years ago doing the podcast when you came on the one talk, and I'm a big fan of your work, really keen to get in today's episode and I guess on the back end of that question I think I was trying to buy myself some time because that's a really it's a really good question that you asked there, because I haven't thought too much about specific details that I haven't shared before about my story. But the first thing that did come up was tackling loneliness and the feeling of loneliness, and that's something that I don't believe I have touched on deeply when I have been sharing my story on my own podcast and other podcasts, and it's also a thing that I see a lot of other men struggling with. Is that loneliness when you start to make a change in life and you start going into new endeavors?

Ryan McCarthy:

And for me, when I first got sober from drugs, the biggest thing that I was scared of was being lonely, and I feel that's why for so long I was constantly abusing drugs, getting involved in things that I know deep down I shouldn't be involved with, just because, at the end of the day, I didn't want to be lonely. And through that journey of becoming comfortable with loneliness and I guess being by yourself was I had it wrong, to be honest, when I first began it, because I thought I had to find peace when it comes to loneliness. But the thing that I realized is it's not finding peace, it's mastering chaos, and through mastering the chaos I was able to get to peace and I had the wrong way around.

Lachlan Stuart:

It's a very interesting point you raise. Can you share more about what it's like to learn to master chaos and sort of expand on that?

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, 100%, because there's a couple of aspects, but the first part of it that I learned for myself was a book by Eckhart Tolle called the Power of Now, and within that book he talks about the practice of observing your thoughts.

Ryan McCarthy:

And for me, when I used to get negative, intrusive thoughts come into my mind, I used to always be like I need to find peace. I need to find peace with this, and instead I needed to learn how to master the chaos of intrusive thoughts that would come, because these intrusive thoughts will come, you get an emotional reaction and it will ruin the whole day. So I was like, right, maybe I need to master this thing that's coming up. And one thing that Eckhart Tolle talks about in that book is picture yourself sitting down in a lazy boy chair with your eyes closed and all your thoughts are on the movie screen, coming and going, and you don't tell them where to go, what to do, or you don't react to them. Instead, you simply observe them without emotion and over time, you're able to actually build yourself to a point where you can afford to come in without actually being emotionally reactive to them.

Lachlan Stuart:

Is there a thought that springs to mind for you that you feel brought a lot of chaos into your life, or one that you really wanted to make peace with?

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, trust, so just trust in general people, especially with my now wife. This was back when we first started dating quite a few years ago and I always had intrusive thoughts of her cheating on me, which is crazy, because she's never done anything to even show that she would ever do that. Me myself, I've never cheered on her or cheered on anyone. So to even have those thoughts in the first place I thought was a bit chaotic, but it was something that I literally couldn't get out of my head and it used to eat me up so much and I was so stressed and overwhelmed all the time because of it, and I just had to learn how to become, I guess how to master the chaos of those thoughts come into my head.

Lachlan Stuart:

Trust is a big one, and I do want to come back to loneliness, because it's something that I'm very interested in and is a big issue now, especially when reading a lot of articles from Jonathan Haidt and things around the social media challenges that we're facing. But when we talk about trust, I know a lot of people that I work with and speak to, and myself included, have experienced moments in my life where I couldn't trust myself and couldn't trust other people. Experienced moments in my life where I couldn't trust myself and couldn't trust other people. For someone who was going through that, from your experience, what would be the steps that you would, or maybe even some advice that you would give for them to start making improvements, to build better trust with the relationships that matter most For me?

Ryan McCarthy:

personally, the thing that worked the most was being able to trust myself, because I found that was the fundamentals of it all. So things will be like stick to your word. If I gave my word to someone or to myself, I have to stick to that word because at the end of the day, I feel like that's one of the things that we can hold most to ourselves, because we can lie to everyone else but deep down we can't lie to our subconscious mind. So the first fundamental thing, I believe, is when you start making promises or you start giving your word to yourself or other people, you stick to them and follow through, build that trust within yourself. Uh, feel like from that you start surrounding yourself with people that I guess you can trust, because you start to know yourself a lot more and then you know who you want to be around and I guess the extension from building the fundamentals to begin with can really extend out into your own external world.

Lachlan Stuart:

That's awesome, man, and it's great that you were able to firstly learn to trust yourself but then also establish that trust within your relationship with your wife as well, bringing it back to loneliness, and even a bit before that. A reason why you said you got into drugs was because your fear of loneliness, and then also the hardest part about getting off was the fear of loneliness. Can you take us back to, I guess, the age, because I know you started drug use at a very young age. Can you sort of take us back to that time and give us a bit of a synapse of what that looked like for you?

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, I'll give a little bit more context, asapse, of what that looked like for you. Yeah, and I like I'll give a little bit more context as well a little bit before that time, because I'm originally from england, moved to australia with mom, dad, brother and sister, and then when I moved there I was eight years old, away from the whole family. So I think that was probably the first time where I started to feel lonely, like a disconnect from community and people, because while I lived in England like we'd always be around family, all lived on the same block kind of thing, we always around each other. Then we moved to Australia. It was a big shift for me. Then we originally moved to Adelaide and then we lived there until I was 11 years old and the family moved up to Queensland and it was my sister, stayed in Adelaide and in Queensland there was me, my brother, mum and dad. But then very quickly mum and dad got a divorce. Dad went back to England, brother went back to Adelaide and it was just me and mum in Queensland.

Ryan McCarthy:

And at the age of 11, I was really confused, especially with dad leaving and the divorce. I started to come home. The house would be really empty and quiet. So from there on I started to seek external environments and getting involved with certain groups of people and started to get into certain types of activity. And then, when I was 11 years old, I tried weed for the first time and the thing was I didn't even know what marijuana was. I just thought it was maybe a cigarette. I was like, oh, I'll just do it because the boys are doing it, maybe it's just a cigarette because my mum and dad used to smoke. So I guess I just linked it with that. But then, from the age of 11, as soon as I tried weed, that was probably one of the first times in my life, at that point where I felt, I guess you could say, calm and content. I felt like there was like we've talked about before about mastering the chaos.

Lachlan Stuart:

That was my way of mastering chaos at that time. There are a lot of parents that listen to this show and I can imagine a question they're thinking is how do I stop my 11-year-old son getting involved in drug use? And I guess no one has a silver bullet. But if what you were seeking out in that period of time, would there be any advice that that 11-year-old version of yourself would give to someone? A parent listening?

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah. So when it comes to parenting because at the end of the day, all of these things are going to be out in the world drugs and certain types of groups of people and I think it just comes down to instilling good values into your children, you know, and also having discipline, because I find, especially in today's day and age, maybe parents are too scared to have set boundaries and rules with their kids because maybe labeled as some sort of child abuse. But I feel like you still need discipline, because me, when I was 11 years old, I I thought I knew everything, definitely.

Ryan McCarthy:

I look back now. I'm like, that idiot knew nothing. I needed someone to put me in line.

Lachlan Stuart:

For sure we need those guardrails yeah.

Ryan McCarthy:

So I think, setting good values and also, I believe, when parents get involved when they see their child doing things like drugs, obviously you're going to be emotional about it. It's going to be an emotional, reactive thing when you first hear about it. But I find that it's best to take a breath. Don't react with emotion and react with logic and then also with that you could probably weave in the emotion and why I want you to not get into this path and why. The why can come after.

Ryan McCarthy:

But I think first you can't your front foot forward can't be the emotion. You've got to stay calm and understand and speak to the child as well. I think that's another important part Actually listen to them and ask them why they're getting into this, what's led you to this decision. Because I find if you have someone pointing their finger at you and saying, don't do this, don't do this, it can kind of push you in the opposite direction to want to do it, and it can kind of push you in the opposite direction to want to do it. And I find start with having the conversation with them, understanding the why and from there just talk about you know your values and implementing discipline. But I find probably the first good place to start would just be understanding the why.

Lachlan Stuart:

Yeah, definitely when we're younger. I probably think until I was about 28,. If someone told me I couldn't do something or shouldn't do something, I was going to bloody do it. And I think to your point there.

Lachlan Stuart:

When we're younger we don't necessarily understand consequences. We don't have the foresight to understand the impact on other people as well, almost. So when we're trying things we are obviously gaining our own life experience. But I can't help but think if I was a parent, I'm not a parent yet, so parents correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe that if you can just build such a strong, tight-knit family units almost what you said you had back in the UK, ryan, and even in Adelaide, where you were always around family, you were always around good people it's hard to not have the love and the strong values rub off on children and I think the moment that you lose that, then we all have wants and needs and we'll go on almost a scavenger hunt to find that and sometimes we're going to get validated in not the best way, which is probably what led you down the path to trying weed at such a young age.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, like you said, it's on point as well, like the wants and needs, because at the end of the day, everyone, especially getting into that realm, has got a need that's not being met. So just looking for a way to get that need met For me it was drugs, because drugs gave me access to a community as well.

Lachlan Stuart:

Big part. Community is huge, so fast forward. So 11, you smoked your first joint or ripped a bong or a tinny. I'm not sure how it went down, but you got that feeling in. And what happened from then?

Ryan McCarthy:

So 11 was weird.

Ryan McCarthy:

And then when I was 13 years old I started to like snort pills and do NDMA and trippers like pills type things.

Ryan McCarthy:

And then from there I started smoking I think it was about 13, 14, smoking this synthetic weed called Spice and it's a really like quite intense drug and I actually saw a friend of mine die one night on it and thankfully he came back to life, but I guess he would have some sort of overdose that scared me scentless from there on. That's when I quit smoking spice. But then from there it didn't stop me from exploring other drugs, stupidly enough, because then when I was 15, I thought it was a really good idea to stay up all night and smoke meth and then go to school the next day in grade 10. So my life took, you know, a pretty dark turn for the worst. But then when I was 18 years old, that's when I finally made the decision and stuck with it to get sober From that age, from 11 to 18, which is experimenting so many different types of drugs and just doing a lot of loose things. I guess what was it?

Lachlan Stuart:

like getting on meth. That is a hard-ass drug man, and a highly addictive one. From what I've heard, did you just experiment with that, or is that one of your go-to ones that you sort of sat with for a few years?

Ryan McCarthy:

No, it wasn't one that I ever got addicted to. It was the only one that I experimented with, thankfully, because the reason that I smoked ice and speed was because I couldn't get on to weed like any marijuana, and the only drug that was available that the dealer could get was ice. So I was like, yeah, we'll just get some ice.

Lachlan Stuart:

Something's better than nothing.

Ryan McCarthy:

Exactly, it was literally. That's the best way I can sum it up. When it comes to when I look back on my addiction, it wasn't like a specific drug, like weed was probably the one that I abused the most, but at the end of the day, it was literally just any way to get high, just any way to feel something. I guess you know. So, thankfully, ice and speed and, you know, crack wasn't something that I became addicted to, because when I did smoke at that time I, when I hit it, I was like two things this is, this feels great and that's a good reason why I shouldn't pursue it yeah, this is good.

Lachlan Stuart:

It's great that you had the understanding to be able to knock that in the butter, because it doesn't work out that well for a lot of people, unfortunately. But, 18, you decided to kick it. Was there a moment that made you do that, or you were just fed up?

Ryan McCarthy:

I was actually thinking about this yesterday because I was down in Gold Coast for the weekend and a schoolies weekend down here in Gold.

Lachlan Stuart:

Coast.

Ryan McCarthy:

And when I was down there I was thinking this was actually the first time I actually had the thought of quitting drugs was schoolies, in 2014, with the year I was meant to graduate, because during schoolies I was just abusing as many drugs as you can think of. But by the back end of that, when I finally got home, I remember reflecting on the week and reflecting on barely any sleep, barely any food, feeling just absolutely horrible. And that was the first time I really questioned my own actions and what I'm doing and if it's really benefited me. And then, after school, there was a break from November to February. And then in February 2015,.

Ryan McCarthy:

I remember I got back from a house party and I had a typical green out. People know what a green out is. It's like when you mix alcohol and weed and you start vomiting and I got really sick. And then I woke up the next morning and I was like you know what I'm gonna see if I can quit weed, because I was like, from wake up to sleep, from the age of 11, this is the one thing that I haven't been able to go out, go without. So then, thankfully enough, I was able to stop smoking weed.

Ryan McCarthy:

But my stupid idea at the time was I'll stop smoking weed, I'll just abuse every other drug, even the holder, because I was like, if I can quit weird, it should give me the confidence to quit everything in total. Um, and this is not me recommending to anyone please, if you're you know getting sober from drugs, don't do it my way. I think I kind of got lucky, but what happened was I quit weird. And then, september that same year, um, I then eventually got clean from every other drug because in my own mindset I set myself up to say if I can quit this one thing and stick with it, I can quit everything else. And then, on my 18th birthday, I believe was my last time ever touching the drug.

Lachlan Stuart:

Congrats, man. So you were about nine years. Yeah, you would be nine years. Just over nine years. Well done. How's your relationship with it now? So obviously at that point you made that decision. But is there ever any social environments or social settings where you feel the the craving or the urge? Or have you sort of just completely outgrown that phase of your life, I would say?

Ryan McCarthy:

I have had urges. It's not like where I'm sitting at home and I want it, it's like maybe in the last nine or last five years, let's say, I probably had the urge once to do it Just out of curiosity, because you can kind of disassociate from your own past if that makes sense.

Ryan McCarthy:

But overall not at all, because I've been around it still a lot, not in the last three years, but I guess the first four to five years becoming clean. I was still around it every weekend, I was hanging around the same people and I just never had the urge. I feel like just some sort of switch happened in my mind. I just made a decision that I knew was the right decision. I just stuck with it. I think that was another way of me coming back to trust, with building trust for myself, making a word with myself that I'll never do it again, sticking with it, and I feel like that has been a big foundation of trust for myself too.

Lachlan Stuart:

not going back. It's huge. And a key thing you said that jumped out at me then was making a decision. I feel a lot of people really struggle to commit to the decisions. They're obviously not keeping their words, but it's like I want to get in shape, or I want to take 12 months off the booze, or I want to be a better husband or partner or whatever, or I want to earn more money, but they're not committed to that decision. They're just throwing it out there half-assed, and I think once you really sort of look at yourself and look at the results that you're getting within your life, it's a great reflection of whether you are actually committed or you're just still toying with that idea. And obviously, nine years sober Ryan, it's a great example of being committed and really backing that decision.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, and I found as well. I was always trying to find a way to make an excuse, like, oh, I can't do it this week. It's so-and-so's birthday on the weekend, you know, and they're like, it's that person's birthday, what happened? There's something else that come up? I'm just finding a way just to talk myself out of making the decision. I know I need to do. Yeah, at the end of the day, everything we make is a choice. You know whether it's helpful or unhelpful. You just gotta understand where you want to go in life, and and that's why I found, you know. So the question whether I want to go and the vision that I had didn't align with the actions I was taking. So I just had to make a decision to change my actions.

Lachlan Stuart:

When you made that decision. Was it easy for you? Nope.

Ryan McCarthy:

So getting clean at 18, from 18 to 20, was the hardest years of my life, because from 11 to 18, I guess you could somewhat say that's when you start becoming a bit more conscious of the world and yourself. But for me I suppressed everything during that time. So 18, that was the first time I really felt emotions like to the actual depth of things, like depression, anxiety, were the most common ones. So 18 to 20, it got to the point where I'll be sitting in my bedroom my best mate will come over, who I've known for years, and I'll be shaking in my room physically like not being able to leave, just because I was so like in my own head with anxiety to go and leave the room and say hello to him and that was a bit of a hurdle to get over. Um, but that 18 to 20 was definitely the hardest time of my life it's definitely when everyone else starts to party and experiment as well.

Lachlan Stuart:

You sort of got a nine-year head start on everyone, so as you're sort of dusting your hands cleaner but everyone's sort of diving into it, so it probably comes back to that isolation and loneliness that you experienced as well. Can we jump back there now? So loneliness was something that you were fearing. Can you sort of expand on that and unpack that a bit? Just so I'd love to know what was going through your head, what the biggest fears that you were, I guess experiencing as a result of being isolated and being alone.

Ryan McCarthy:

I feel like especially just humans in general. We just want to fit in in groups. Maybe, if you want to look back through history, it comes down to survival and thinking that we have to fit into the tribe so we can survive. And for me, I just wanted to fit in, felt like I belonged, because I feel like moving around a lot, because even before family split, from the age I was born to the age of 15, I think I lived in about over 30 houses, while I was moving, yeah, so I never felt any moment of just like a steady ship just at all.

Ryan McCarthy:

So that was another part of it for me, which is trying to find something steady, and for me I had my friends, I had drugs and it just felt like things were just comfortable and normal for once in my life too.

Lachlan Stuart:

And that's nearly a house every two years. Talk about instability, especially in some of the most formative, I guess, years of your life, establishing friendships and just looking to be able to learn and grow in a safe environment. That's very challenging for you to do while you're constantly moving, but obviously, unfortunately not everyone has the luxury of you know whether you have to move from military or whatever life events encourage or force people to move. It's definitely challenging. Do you feel there could have been anything done during those years that would have helped you sort of navigate that a bit better? Done during those years that would have helped you sort of navigate that a bit better?

Ryan McCarthy:

it's hard to say, because the first thing that came to mind was a mentor. But when I reflect back on who the who I was back then, I feel like if a mentor did come in my life, I would have rejected it anyway, like I wouldn't have allowed it to be in my space for sure.

Lachlan Stuart:

So yeah, I'm kind of struggling to find an answer for that because, um, at that time I was very closed-minded yeah, well, that's a big part, like I'll say, growth and fixed mindset, because I would imagine most people listening to this are aware of that, but maybe you weren't aware of what that looked like. I sure as hell wasn't aware of the difference between a fixed or growth mindset, or the fact that you could even change how you thought about things or you responded to things. That was sort of one of the greatest things that ever happened to me and allowed me to change my life, when I realized that the way that I thought about myself, the way that I thought about the world, could be changed. I just had to change my inputs and really challenge, or firstly, identify things that I didn't like, challenge them and figure out what I needed to do to change those things. But you're mentioning mentorship. There as well, you've become a mentor to a lot of people.

Lachlan Stuart:

Over the 2021 was when you launched your podcast. I think even prior to that, you'd been working in mental health for three years. Can you, I guess, give?

Ryan McCarthy:

us a snapshot on how you got into that space and what made you want to launch a podcast as well? Yeah, definitely. It's actually um, yeah, it's pretty cool story and it's something that I feel like god made happen for me because of the way it happened. It all kind of fell into place. So what happened was that when I was 20 years old so back in around 2018, I started to come on the back end of dealing with depression and social anxiety and anxiety and all the things that I really wanted to find the way to share how I'm feeling and hopefully, like inspires people in my own little community where I grew up. So I started up an Instagram page, which is now called One Talk, but before I rebranded it, it was called Mental Health Experience. That was just a way for me to try and bring awareness and hopefully help people around me.

Ryan McCarthy:

And then, through doing that, I got a DM from a lady who was a mate from school's girlfriend. She goes I've been seeing what you've been doing online and helping people. I'd love for you to come and volunteer at this residential housing for mental health like a sales house. I was like, yeah, I'd love to do that. You know, take the next step and actually be proactive in supporting people. So I started volunteering there for about three months. They eventually offered me a job, started casually, got part-time and then I got offered a job from a different place doing full-time case management with adults and mental health. Then from there on it's just kind of been evolving and getting bigger and doing different things to a point now where I'm a case manager for a youth service and also I do one talks over like workshops of events, podcasting. It all started from starting this Instagram page and then just winging it.

Lachlan Stuart:

That's so cool, man. When you started the page, was there any hesitation or fear about doing it, or you just had the idea and got stuck into it?

Ryan McCarthy:

I was shitting myself, because I was like the only people that knew I was going through a struggle, because people would see me out and about and I was quite a familiar face where I I grew up, it's like you know I'd always bump into people at the shop and always talk to people, but no one knew what I was going through my own personal life. So I started posting online like I was like it's, I feel like I'm about to expose myself to the world. You know I was absolutely beckoning it but, um, yeah, overcoming that fear and just doing it anyway and understanding this is my passion and if people hate, that's more of a reflection of them rather than it is me and telling myself all these little things to convince me to do it. And then one day I was like, let's just do it. What's the worst that could happen?

Lachlan Stuart:

were you driven? Do you think you were driven more by the pain of the situation that you were in or the pleasure of what you could create and the impact that you could have?

Ryan McCarthy:

definitely the second part, the impact that I could have, because I found being a service to others is the thing that made me feel the best. So I wanted to find a way to give time and energy and just be able to help people because I knew in return it would help me as well. So there's like a selfish self-assist to the selfishness. So I found there's a really good way to overcome my own stuff through helping other people and be like a bit of a peer support worker in a way where you can kind of share your own life lessons. But I guess along the journey of me helping others I learned so much more about myself and was able to start doing a lot more deeper work on myself too.

Lachlan Stuart:

Yeah, it's definitely hard to feel bad after you've helped someone out.

Lachlan Stuart:

So I always find myself, if I'm in a shitty mood, I'll sort of go for a walk and I'll find my way to.

Lachlan Stuart:

You know, whether it's just to make someone smile or wave at someone, that I'm trying to brighten someone else's day up. It sounds super cliche and I'm not obviously walking the streets just waving like a bloody Ronald McDonald, but I'll always try to go out of my way to meet someone because I know if I can find out what's going on in their life, my problems sort of take a back seat and then I can focus on other people. And then I realized a lot of the shit that I was stressing out didn't actually matter in the first place. I was just in a bit of a rut at that point in time. But going then into, you've mentioned you've worked with a lot of people and you're learning a lot from people as well. Is there any conversations that you've had whether they're people that you've worked with or people that guests that you've had on your podcast lessons that have really shifted your perspective on improving your life or your mental health, or anything like that?

Ryan McCarthy:

yeah, there's been loads. I think you'd also relate with this without having the podcast like the, I've been able to interview people and dive into their mind and get like an hour or two of their time. Like the amount of stuff you can learn is just incredible and it's always usually people that you're personally interested in. I would say you're definitely one of them because when I interviewed, I would say you're definitely one of them, because when I interviewed you, lachlan, that was one of my first podcasts where I really wanted to dive into the mindset of men and the mental health of men.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yep, I learned a lot around what you talked about before of being able to control your own outcomes in life through making decisions, and that was for me, you know, like a really big piece of advice. I was able to start sharing with other people, but that made me more curious to interview other people on my podcast as well. But I find mainly in my podcast I've been able to interview so many people and learn so much. I'm trying to think of like specifics, because there's so much that I've learned that Mastering Chaos one I learned from a guy called Mo Hussoon and he's an addiction counselor. I mean I was speaking with him, he said to get to the PhD on Master Chaos and he spoke to me a lot in depth about that.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah there's so many examples I'm kind of struggling to think of many on the spot.

Lachlan Stuart:

No, that's cool and I think, to back your point up, I've spoken to hundreds of people and every episode I walk away going. Even this one I'm like, so fired up and inspired and re-energized and I'll walk away going. This is the best podcast I've done. I don't think it's ever going to be topped. You can't compare two conversations and what you take away, but then it just inspires you in a different way, whether it's someone's personal story, maybe, how they give you a framework to work through something, but what it comes down to for me is, I think, a lot of people we're all trying to get across the same thing in our own way, but I think we all have the one thing in common where we just hope that people look to implement different strategies or try different things to improve their quality of life, really build that toolkit up, and whether that's to improve their finances, their marriages or their mental health, they can all sort of mold together to make a really great outcome.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, 100% as well. And then, as you were talking, I actually had two examples come to my head because I was thinking. I was like I want to answer your question. So the first one would be so an old team leader of mine named Travis and he was probably the first person in the industry to really see something in me and believe me before I even believed in myself, and he took me under his wing and, I guess, mentored me into working in the community.

Ryan McCarthy:

And one thing he taught me, the most important thing. He said you know what the average career is in this industry? And I was like oh, I'm not too sure. And he goes usually two years. I'm like so I've got two years and I've got to find a new job. And he's like like, no, the reason it's like, the reason it's two years, is because people burn out, because they don't look after themselves. He goes. If you're spending 40 hours a week in service of others for this job and you're doing your podcasts and doing your events, he's like where do you feel like you're going to be in two years? You don't look after yourself. First I was like you know what? That's a really good piece of advice and it was massive on looking after myself first, before coming to work and helping people and speaking, making sure that I am doing the things that I know need to be done for me in order to serve others.

Ryan McCarthy:

And then the second one would be this uh, closer, I've got beyond me, says the marathon continues, so the marathon continues is a musician named Nipsey Hussle, who's now passed away, but Nipsey Hussle had a saying called the Marathon Continues, and that was a really big thing for me, beginning on this journey, but also still to this day, because it's a constant reminder to not use life as a sprint. If you look more at a marathon, a longer marathon, you'll know Lockie, with all the running and the crazy stuff you do, yeah, yeah you need to hydrate.

Ryan McCarthy:

You need to stop. You need to hydrate. You need to do a pit stop every now and then and check in. You need to have your gels or whatever it is. You know like you need to do the things along the way on the marathon to be able to get to the finish line. And if you treat a 42 kilometer run as a sprint, you're going to gas out by five to 10 Ks and be no good to yourself or you will not even be able to finish the marathon. But if you treat it at a pace, eventually you're going to get to the finish line. I think that's probably one of the best ways to do it too Definitely.

Lachlan Stuart:

And I think a lot of people overestimate what they can achieve in 12 months and underestimate what they can achieve in 12 years or 10 years, and that's why a lot of people sort of peel off and don't really see their goals through. And one thing within our academy we always work within a 12-week game plan, because it's long enough that you can achieve tangible results and it's enough that it gives you a timeframe where the motivation stays high. If you were to try and set 12 months now, after about six weeks, most people lose interest and there's not enough feedback working for people. And that way, within a 12-week block for me it's always is this goal going to lead me to the next step or next level of what I'm trying to achieve within 12 months or five years? And that way I'm getting realistic feedback around.

Lachlan Stuart:

One am I genuinely interested in it? If I am cool, continue? Two, are the actions that I'm taking right now moving me in the right direction? Three, are the people in my corner the right people to be part of this mission with me? And four, is my skill set around how I show up and what I know enough to do that, or do I need to keep investing in little side quests to upskill those areas, and that's what helps me sort of play the long game and bringing it back into marathons. It is you need new shoes, you need your hydration, you need your sleep, but you need your support team. They're all so important but in the beginning you don't know that, especially when you're a young, testosterone fueled male, you just want to get out there and just go fucking hard. That's how we operate it yeah, exactly.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, like you said, man too, it's spot on. People overestimate what they can do in the short term than underestimate what they can do in the long term. The fire having the plan, then. Also not being so rigid on how to get to the end goal either, because, like you said, the boat you get to five kilometers and the shoes that you're wearing they're actually the size too small. You need to get a different pair of shoes on to be able to finish the marathon. You know, like not being so stuck in, uh, I guess the template you set for this marathon, instead of being a lot more fluid and being open to different ways to finish it.

Lachlan Stuart:

What did it mean? To have Travis take you under his wing? You said he believed in you before you believed in yourself. What did that mean to you?

Ryan McCarthy:

It meant the world, because I feel like if he didn't believe in me, I wouldn't be sitting here today. I don't mean like in terms of being alive, I mean in terms of like being on this podcast and following in this mission. I might have fell back into one of the other jobs I was doing beforehand, because when I started working within mental health, I still didn't feel like I had the authority to be there, because I was 20 years old at the time and I was working with 40-year-olds, 45-year-olds, 50-year-olds. I'm like how am I meant to support someone that's so much older than me? Will they listen to me? Will they respect me? Because I don't have the life experience?

Ryan McCarthy:

But then he also said to me he goes, man, you're 20 years old, but you've lived 40 years with the stories you've told me. And I was like that's true, you know, trust your wisdom, trust your instincts and just go for it anyway. And I was like, yep, you're right. So just like have just the belief of someone else sometimes can really uplift you and motivate you to a point where you build momentum, where you have that for yourself.

Lachlan Stuart:

It's one of the things that inspires me most about you and bringing it back to that, travis believed in you and you believe in a lot of people and you give people multiple opportunities to learn from you and be inspired by you and take action with you, and whether it's through putting their headphones in and listening to an episode of the podcast or you've created you know, you did the podcast live tour you do these mentors and workshops. It gives people the opportunity for you to be able to breathe belief into them, and one of the biggest challenges I feel men, and especially young men, are facing is we don't have the role models. We don't even know we have access to mentors. I didn't know that I could be mentored by other men outside of my direct circle and it wasn't until I started paying for coaching that I also saw that hey, there are actually just other blokes out there who will give you an hour every couple of weeks for a coffee and you can pick their brain and just having that guidance can completely change your life.

Lachlan Stuart:

So I think what you're doing is really inspiring and very much needed for a lot of men out there and, to add to that, for men listening to this, or even parents listening to this, who have young boys especially and I guess the same for women, but I always talk to men and boys is we need to give your young children or your husbands or your boyfriends the opportunity to be around good men. And that looks different for all of us, but I believe having strong ethics and morals and values is important, and the opportunity to get away and go through almost like a rite of passage is so important because many men are walking around as young boys trying to do a man's role and we're emotionally not ready for that and we physically aren't ready for that. So having the opportunity to be around other men who can lift them up, build them up and teach them the skills and shine the perspective that we need to thrive is super important, and you're doing that work right, so I just wanted to acknowledge that absolutely likewise for you too, man.

Ryan McCarthy:

You're doing that too, and I think it's so important, especially for circles of people to be out there where people can join those circles. You know those good circles of mentors. And one place that I really do see good, especially for young people, is a boxing gym. There's like a massive in the boxing and, like I was at a fight event, um, about two weeks ago they had the little peewee kids fighting like little eight-year-olds.

Ryan McCarthy:

You're just seeing these eight-year-olds. They've done like a camp. They've done the nutrition, they've done the training, they've learned the discipline, they got the willpower to overcome and fears. They got good mentors around them who have been involved in these circles for so long as well, like the skills these kids are learning at eight years old. It's just incredible, you know, and there's so many different ways you can learn those same characteristics outside of boxing as well. But it comes down to, like you said, just finding those good men, and I think that's why having social media is also awesome as well. It's a good thing about social media because we're able to connect circles of people from all around the world that we can connect with.

Lachlan Stuart:

I think to your point around boxing. I grew up, I did a little bit of Muay Thai but I know a lot of my parents didn't want me getting into that environment because it was violent. But I think, if you flip it on its head, the reason why the training camps are so successful, the discipline is so successful, the respect that the people learn in that is so successful, is because if you fuck up you'll get beat up and it's not like playing. I guess I played a lot of rugby and stuff like that. Yeah, it's physical, but if you decided to skip training or whatever, you weren't guaranteed to get your ass kicked. But if you don't prepare for a boxing match, you're going to get your ass kicked and no one wants to get their ass kicked. So that's where it can be extremely powerful for you to sort of maintain the discipline and learn how important that is, because that's transferable to life. Life has consequences and sometimes it sucks, sometimes we get a bad hand out to us, but it's how you respond.

Ryan McCarthy:

once again, the things that we've covered, people you have around you, all of that 100, and that's because me and my wife are expecting our first child on christmas eve, actually. So dude congrats how good, yeah, so we're having the baby boy and I was actually complimenting this as well for him and his growing up, because me I'm massive with soccer. It's kind of like my second religion.

Lachlan Stuart:

Who do you support?

Ryan McCarthy:

Liverpool.

Lachlan Stuart:

I'm a.

Ryan McCarthy:

Tottenham fan. It's not Manchester United, so that's good.

Lachlan Stuart:

Yeah, I know, tottenham's all good.

Ryan McCarthy:

I was thinking because I really wanted to play soccer, because it's a big passion of mine, but then I was like like, all right, where's he going to find discipline and all these other things? Because the soccer, like you said, with rugby, it's the same. You know, like you can skip training and you can go the next week and there's no consequences. So I was like on the side, get him doing boxing even if he doesn't want to fight. Just train and just be around. You know, be around other people that are disciplined and that are resilient and that are also overcome with fears every time they step into that place as well do you feel there's benefit that comes from also feeling like you can handle yourself as well?

Ryan McCarthy:

yeah, 100, because I find, especially when you're insecure about your own abilities, I feel like you can act out to try and prove yourself, which can get you in a lot of trouble. I feel like when you are so sure of what you're capable of, you're able to make more calculated decisions rather than acting out to try and test yourself, if that makes sense.

Lachlan Stuart:

Definitely. How does it feel moving into fatherhood?

Ryan McCarthy:

It's awesome, like I'm super keen. It was the biggest goal of mine, but I actually was having a few thoughts come up which I've now feel like I've shaped. I'm kind of keen to hear your own thoughts on what I've been thinking around this as well, because the first thing that came up was like I need to be a better man, I need to be a better husband, I need to be a better father when the kid comes Like I just need to improve in all aspects of life.

Lachlan Stuart:

And that wasn't.

Ryan McCarthy:

I wasn, when the kid comes, like I just need to improve in all aspects of life. And that wasn't. I wasn't saying or thinking that in a way where I don't feel like I'm good enough. I just felt like I have another level in me to step up in. And when I was thinking about it to begin with I was a bit confused on why I was feeling this, but then, after a bit of reflection, I started to think well, this is a good thing because it shows that I care and I want to be the best father, husband and man that I can be like. Use this calling as a way to explore ways to step up and become that better father or better husband and better man in general.

Ryan McCarthy:

So once I came to that conclusion but that was a lot more easy, because now it's like I take the steps that you feel like may get you there, and now it's a lot of trial and error.

Ryan McCarthy:

But the first thing that came to mind was my son's going to see me through his eyes and he's probably gonna. That's probably going to be the first type of role model thing he's going to get from me. So I was like I need to be in the best physical shape I can possibly be. Because I was like I don't want my kid to see me as someone who can't really move around and a bit overweight and struggling, you know, like I want my kid to see me be fit, ripped, active. So I was like, yeah, the biggest goal now is to make sure that I'm in the most peak physical condition I can be in, so when my son is here he sees me and goes well, like that is a physical role model and then after that I can start implementing all the other things it's cool that you talk about that, because people are always watching us and people say we shouldn't judge others, but I think judgment is not always a bad thing.

Lachlan Stuart:

It's almost like how we can measure ourself and look to learn things that we do want or don't want in our life, which is very powerful, because then we can ask people hey, ryan, you're super jacked at the moment and you've got a kid. How have you done that? How have you managed to do all of that? Because then I can take learnings and insights and perspectives from you. So I think there's definitely a lot of positive parts to that you mentioned. You had that experience where you wanted to get better. Do you have an idea around what better looks like or what success looks like for you moving forward, especially as a dad?

Ryan McCarthy:

I said this on the other podcast as well and I think it does stay the same because for me, success is raising a family that is full of love and that is, I guess, I think, the success of the family is like, because I was speaking about this, I actually did a podcast with my wife.

Ryan McCarthy:

I'm going on different pockets here, but what I did was I did a podcast with my wife and we talked about how to be a role model for my son and then potentially a daughter one day, if I have a daughter. So I was like for success for the son, you know it's being able to be raised and look after the family and all that type of stuff. But for the daughter, like I want to be a good role model in like an emotional space for her too. So I was thinking about how can you balance, I guess, the guy with the man, I guess the feminine with the woman in the household to make that successful? And I think it's just me and my wife being examples of that within the family. You know, like me the masculine hair is the feminine and also how I treat her and how she treats me, and just raising the family as best as we can just full of love, and for me that is success. Man.

Lachlan Stuart:

That's awesome. It's essentially modeling what you had and making sure you don't lose that as well and enter that void of loneliness as well.

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, because outside that, like I do want loads of other things, you know, like for the business. I want success for other adventures in life, like there is success, but at the end of the day, I think the most important thing for me is having a happy, loving family. So for me, like, if I have to really refine it down to one thing, I think that's the most important one it's beautiful man like I was talking with my wife earlier.

Lachlan Stuart:

We went for a walk and we were talking about that as well. You know we've got an awesome life. We travel a lot, but financially we're in the worst position we've been in a number of years just because we invested so much moving overseas and the american dollar isn't the best, but, as we were saying, we're like we're still accumulating so many incredible life experiences and memories and stories to tell. So, even though we don't have the financial freedom that we had 12 months ago or 18 months ago, we're working towards getting that back in a new country but we are doing what we wanted to do.

Lachlan Stuart:

We're living a great life and, at the end of the day, what is most important to us is exactly what you said. It's having that loving family support and making sure that, regardless of what's going on on the outside, like you've always got each other's back and you're always there. I think that's the most important thing. It's really hard to build because it takes constant work and we're dealing with people's emotions and everything like that, but at the end of the day, everything else can build from that exactly, man, and like you said as well, because, like, I feel like one of the best things that we can take is the experiences of life.

Ryan McCarthy:

You know like it may cost a bit of financial and it can be stressful because the whole world works on financial and we have to, you know, provide in that sense, but I find, if you are trading it for experience and memories, and it's well worth it because tomorrow's not promised. And I was actually reflecting on that when, um, I believe you know jackson tippett as well, but when jackson passed I was like shit, like tomorrow is literally not part of promise. We've only got these moments that we have literally right now. And I was thinking like I was thinking like the experience of life, and when I reflect back on life, some of the best moments I have isn't the money that I've made, it's the experience that I've had and the people I had them with.

Lachlan Stuart:

Yeah, man, it's sad of Jackson's passing and it exactly reminded me of the same thing. Like we've got to, it just snaps you back to reality of what's actually important. Every day we're being, I guess, guided to think that other things are extremely important and life is full of seasons and there's a season for making as much money, there's a season for family, but overall, if you were to look back, you're not going to care about that how much money you made or anything like that. It's who you meet, the experiences that you had, the wine that you shared with those people, and just the stories that you could.

Lachlan Stuart:

Pretty much the easiest way I summarize it for myself is if I was reading my book and once again this is very cliche would I be interested by the chapters? Or is it just chapter one go to work. Chapter two go to work, chapter three go to work. And it's like, if that is your reality, which was mine for a long time and it still is to a degree, how can I spice those chapters up a little bit? Is it doing some weekends away, afternoon things, taking a risk? What does that look like?

Ryan McCarthy:

Yeah, exactly right, and doing those little things, like even we went to Gold Coast on the weekend and we didn't realize when we planned to go.

Lachlan Stuart:

we went to gold coast on the weekend and we didn't realize when we planned to go. That was schoolies weekend.

Ryan McCarthy:

So they're like this week when we went like shit schoolies. But then, like now, we're reflecting back on like that's kind of like a memory for us that we accidentally booked on the same weekend and you know like, but being able to do things like that, you know, I feel like it is a blessing that we have the opportunities to go for, like, a weekend away or go traveling overseas and be able to still make more money to create more memories ryan mccarthy, host of one talk podcast.

Lachlan Stuart:

Everyone. If you've got as much value from this conversation as I have, make sure you go over and check out the OneTalk podcast, even if he gets back on the road doing the OneTalk podcast live, get around and see that experience. I'm very keen to check that out. Mate, it's been an absolute pleasure chatting with you. I'd love to do it again soon. I'm also very excited to watch you move into the next season of your life, as you become an incredible dad. I can speak on behalf of so many people that you've inspired. You are an incredible role model. You will be an amazing father and I can imagine you're an amazing husband as well. So continue doing the great work and thank you so much for your time.

Ryan McCarthy:

I appreciate that brother. I appreciate it heaps and thank you for having me.

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