Marriage Lessons: 4 Ways to Keep Love Alive After 11 Years #654

Marriage isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to teach you. After 11 years with Amy, I’ve learned 4 powerful lessons that turned our relationship from “housemates” into a partnership that grows stronger every day.

If you’ve ever caught yourself coasting in your relationship, waiting for the next holiday or milestone to feel happy, this episode is your wake-up call.

You’ll learn:
 – Why you must never stop dating your wife
 – How growth as a man fuels a stronger marriage
 – Why teamwork, not competition, is the secret weapon
 – The daily practice that keeps you grounded and present

The Man That Can Project podcast is here to help ambitious men build resilience, clarity and leadership.

If you’re ready to level up your marriage and every other area of your life, take the Man That Can Scorecard below and explore coaching with me.

Links:
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Scorecard: https://lachlan-an90z9h9.scoreapp.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Birthday Reflections
• 1:41 Lesson 1: Never Stop Dating
• 5:06 Lesson 2: Keep Learning and Growing
• 6:49 Lesson 3: Work as a Team
• 9:43 Lesson 4: Be Here Now
• 10:59 Final Thoughts and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

Not because it's easy, but because it has revealed where I can get better. Welcome back to the man that Can Project podcast. I'm your host, lachie Stewart, and today, well, it's my wife's birthday. It's a significant milestone. We've been together for over 11 years, married for coming up to four. Wow, the time flies, and today I wanted to share with you four, I guess, key things that I believe are important to having a successful, loving marriage, not one where you are just housemates, one where you actually continue to grow together, you fall more in love every day and you just can't wait to see where the future goes. This, for me, is personal, right, it's exciting and it's a day to celebrate my wife. And, if you're listening, you may have that significant other. You may have someone that you've been with just recently, right, someone, a new relationship you've entered, or a relationship that you've been in for longer than Amy and I have, and these will truly work. So, thank you guys. If you know you're going to like this one, make sure you click the subscribe button below. Well, let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 1:38

So four lessons that marriage has taught me. First one don't stop dating ever, creating the new experiences together adventure, fun, and the feedback keeps the relationships alive. Think about back when the relationship just started or, if you're in that phase now, think about what you need to continue doing, even when you get complacent, because when, year after year, you're doing the same thing, you tend to gravitate to the things that you like. Right, we're trying new experiences, we're saying new things in the relationship and you're like, oh, can't do that, or, yes, we can do more of that. And that's what the body does. It likes finding routines and it likes finding comfort and safety. So therefore, as a byproduct, you're going to build a comfortable and a safe relationship, and it may lead to you taking things for granted. It may lead to you becoming stale. How often do you catch yourself talking about back, when you know, when you were in your younger years, when the honeymoon phase was around? The thing is is that when things are new and exciting, they've got their shine. We treat them differently. So the key question to ask here is how do you keep the shine in your marriage?

Speaker 1: 2:57

For me, it is literally about continuing to date. Who I am now versus who I was a decade ago, who my wife is now versus who she was a decade ago has changed. I still remember when we first met. We went on our first holiday in Thailand and many of you have probably heard the bad story of that, but there were so many fun moments in that right. It was our first holiday together overseas, especially. We were still figuring out who we were, what our personalities were like, what were the boundaries and all that sort of stuff, and it was just so fun. We were carefree. We were 23,. 23 and carefree how good's that. But that was really it.

Speaker 1: 3:37

But every day I remember I would wake up and I'm thinking how can I not stuff this up? How can I make her fall more in love with me? I think, as I've gotten older, there was definitely a period where I stopped asking myself that question. I just thought to myself we've been together long enough, we're now married. She's sticking around, but that is the wrong thing to think. You need to think how can I find more out about myself? How can I bring more fun and excitement and energy to this marriage so that she continues to get the best version of me? Good question to ask yourself. So think about it this way Keep creating new experiences.

Speaker 1: 4:17

What have you done over the last? What are we now? Keep creating new experiences. What have you done over the last? What are we now we're in September Last nine months that have brought fun and excitement into the relationship, or have you just been going through the hamster wheel? Only you can answer that. And if you don't get the answer or the response that you would like, only you can change it. Okay, only you can change it. I can look back on my year. Amy and I have traveled around europe. We've traveled around the united states, we're looking at another, another holiday. But even outside of those big things, we're always doing little micro activities like date nights, going to new restaurants, just trying new things, and for us it keeps things fun, it keeps things exciting. So don't stop dating. Number one. Point two keep learning.

Speaker 1: 5:10

You may be thinking to yourself why do I need to keep learning? For me, it's always looking to be a better husband, a better friend and a better person, because growth does not stop. So whenever I'm around the house or we're going into the new season of life where we're about to have our first child, I'm thinking how can I be better in this situation? Not just, I guess, buying more and providing more, but what skills do I need to learn? I think back to a decade ago or 2014,.

Speaker 1: 5:40

My initial thoughts were I want to be a good husband and I want to be a good father one day, even though I was not thinking about having kids. That was just like my benchmark, because it made me think about things. Okay, well, I want to be present. What do I need to do in order to be present? I needed to build my own business. I needed to earn X amount of money. Then I thought, from an emotional standpoint, I want to build my own business. I needed to earn X amount of money. Then I thought, from an emotional standpoint, I want to make her feel loved and secured. I want to be able to have fun. I want to be able to communicate well. So I started learning all of those skills because I needed to get better.

Speaker 1: 6:14

Who I was then is very different to who I am now, and it's going to be very different. I guess the version of me, who I am now, is going to be very different over the next 10 years, because I need to continue growing, and the cool thing about growth, guys, is, as you find out more about yourself, as you continue to evolve every day, your wife or partner is going to get the best version of themselves of you, sorry and it's going to get a new version of you because you're constantly getting 1% better. So think about that. Growth doesn't stop. You should never, ever, ever, stop growing.

Speaker 1: 6:50

A little side note one thing that I recommended to a client this morning was looking at and Jesse Itzler gave me this idea but the Masogi what's the one thing he wants to achieve for next year and how can he get his mates involved? For me, I'm doing the exact same thing. I actually just sent off an inquiry to do something in Japan with my mates. It's going to be a four or five-day adventure, but I want it to be something that makes them train for it. It's going to be something on my bucket list.

Speaker 1: 7:24

No-transcript. You're not competition, right? You're a team. The thing is is like you're co-founders of this shared life. Every win is multiplied when it's built as a team.

Speaker 1: 7:38

I see couples who are just fighting against each other. It's like this is my money, that's your money. That's your goal, that's my goal. Yes, it's important to have independence and a sense of independence. I think that's highly important, but you've got to be doing things together. Your success is your partner's success and vice versa. That's the way Amy and I look at it. We truly celebrate and support each other.

Speaker 1: 8:01

There are times when I need to lead and then there's times where I need to step back and support, and we know when to do that, based on who's prioritizing what goal. And I think it's so important to be able to do that, because, had I not known when to lead and not known when to support? I guess I didn't figure this out until over time. It definitely took time to figure this one out, but there are times when Amy wants me to lead, amy wants me to take control, but there's also times when she's on tour or she's releasing a new album where she wants to support, and I could imagine now that we're having a kid, it's going to be different and we're going to have to navigate that, but it's being aware. If we aren't aware of the problems and if you aren't aware that you aren't working together, it's going to be very hard to shift that. So just step back.

Speaker 1: 8:51

Think about how's the quality of your marriage right now. Do you feel like you guys are working together or are you working against each other? You know the answer to that. And then, if you feel like you're working together, awesome. That's what teamwork is and that is what I believe will lead you to a continued successful, healthy marriage. If you're working apart, you need to start having some conversations to get on the same page. And that goes back to step two, like continued learning or keep learning If you don't feel comfortable doing that. This is where we got to start. This is the bottleneck, this is the roadblock that is stopping you achieving that. Maybe you should check out my man that Can scorecard, which you can get in the comments, but it'll help you see where you're thriving and where you're drifting in the seven key domains of life. Now four, be here now.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Happiness, and I want to read this one out. But happiness isn't waiting at the next milestone. It's in the moments we choose to fully enjoy today. It's very easy to say I'll be happy when I pay off the house, I'll be happy when I get the next promotion, I'll be happy when I get healthy. They will all amplify what you already are. So if you are not happy in this moment, you're probably not going to be happy.

Speaker 1: 10:11

Then Ask yourself what do I need to do or what do I need to focus on today in order to be happy in order to enjoy the thing, because it's very important to realize that you're not always going to be happy, because when you're looking to grow, it means you have signed a contract with adversity. There's going to be challenges and sometimes that isn't fun, and for me, I'm not happy in the moment of a challenge or in the moment of adversity or in the moment of discomfort. I'm very happy after, when I look back and go, wow, I cannot believe I achieved that. So that is an important one Learn what you need to focus on in the day, even if it's just looking back and you know practicing gratitudes. And I've got a new journal coming out soon that you'll be able to buy. I'll share it with you when it's live, but that's going to be an important one to look at.

Speaker 1: 11:00

So marriage has been one of my greatest teachers and I hope for you it is as well. It's not just about when you feel like you're growing apart and there's tension. You want to look at that and go ask yourself what do I need to learn from this? Where can I grow? My name is Lachlan Stewart. Thank you, guys for tuning in. If you liked this episode, share it on your socials. Make sure you tag me and if you haven't left a rating or review on Spotify or wherever you're listening to this, make sure you do that. We'll see you next week.