Why Ambitious Men Win at Work and Lose at Everything Else #703

You hit the goal. You built the business. You made the money.

And then you looked around and realised, something's missing.

Your marriage feels distant. Your mates have moved on. You barely recognise yourself in the mirror. And the next goal is already lined up, because stopping means facing the fact that the last one didn't fill the gap you thought it would.

In this episode I break down why ambitious men win at work and quietly lose everything else, and the mindset shift that changes it.

You'll learn:
- Why achieving big goals can leave you feeling more lost, not less
- What happened when I moved back from professional rugby in France and hit rock bottom
- Why high-achieving men end up feeling like strangers in their own homes
- How I chased a million dollars — got it — and realised it wasn't what I was after
- Why the destination can't be the only place you allow yourself to feel successful
- How I finished the 58 marathons without being defined by the outcome
- How to stay ambitious without sacrificing your marriage, your health, and your mates

This one's for the man who's built something to be proud of, but privately wonders why it still doesn't feel like enough.

Ready to lock in what actually matters, not just the next goal? Apply to join the 1:1 coaching : https://www.lachlanstuart.com.au/coaching

Transcript

Ambition Versus Living For Later

Lachlan Stuart 0:00

I used to think enjoying the journey meant losing the ambition and setting the big goals. As I've gotten older, I've realized ambition wasn't the problem. Always living for the next moment was. In this video, I want to run you through how you can learn to be more present, okay, and enjoy the journey so that when you achieve the outcomes, it won't define you. It just becomes part of who you are. So essentially you're absorbing that.

When Your Identity Falls Apart

Lachlan Stuart 0:26

2014 was a really I'm sorry, 2013 was a really pivotal year in my life. Just moved back from playing rugby in France. And that defined me my whole life up until that point, I had wanted to be a successful athlete. Maybe you can relate as something that you have wanted to achieve so badly that it's become such a big part of your personality. It might be coming a doctor, a lawyer, a tradesman, whatever it is that when people say, tell us about yourself, you'll just go straight to work. That's what I did. And when that finished up, I was left with this barren land in front of me and I didn't know what to do, which direction to move in, what I or how I could respond to what I did. And that was a very uncomfortable feeling. And I had two options in that moment. I could either go all in on something to try and create success in another area, or I could stay there spinning my wheels feeling lost. I went with option A and I started setting goals pretty drastically, trying to find out how I can make a million bucks. That was the thing that I wanted to do because I thought earning a million dollars would mean success. As I'm rolling through learning these skills and moving towards this goal, I'm seeing that there are career paths that I don't like and there are career paths that I do. And rather than staying stuck for too long, I was always going, what is it that I like about this? What is it that I don't like about this? But becoming obsessed with the goal of earning a million dollars, I stopped doing the things that made me who I was. So as someone who's an athlete, I stopped, you know, watching sport as much as I loved doing it. I stopped playing as much as I loved playing it because I thought I had to give everything to my career. I was so focused on that outcome. What happened over the years was I sacrificed so much in order to get the outcome and I got it. And then I realized it wasn't even the outcome that I was really chasing all along. What I was ultimately chasing was who I became in that process. I just wanted to become proud of myself. I just wanted to build a good life. And I wasn't really quite sure on what that looked like until I was actually getting out there and starting to live and getting feedback. And this is what many of us can do, and many of us miss that we always think we need that next goal and we work so hard, we put our blinders on in order to achieve that, that we stop looking around and seeing what's actually in front of us.

The Hidden Costs Of High Achievement

Lachlan Stuart 2:48

And this is a really important thing, especially for a lot of high-achieving men. I work with men from professional sporting teams to very, very, very wealthy business owners, and they all experience similar things, similar things where they have worked so hard for their career and their status and their title and their financial position that everything else has fallen away in the process. Their marriage is broken down. They walk, they get home into this beautiful home and they have a couple of kids and a lovely wife, but they feel like a stranger in their own home because they're never there. They don't know how to engage, they don't prioritize time. The other thing is their buddies are out doing fun things and they just can never have the time. It's like, oh, I've got to work later, I've got this work trip. And then by the time they are ready to go, their buddies have sort of moved on. And then finally, health, right? They sacrifice their health. They walk past the mirror, they catch a glimpse of themselves and they when did I get that fat? And they start losing their confidence in who they are and their ability to do fun things. And as we know, you become lonelier and lonelier and lonelier. You become more and more unhealthy, and the quality of your life drops. So, yes, you have all of the things, but you don't have

Aim With Meaning Not Attachment

Lachlan Stuart 3:56

that. And this is why this is so important that we want to go through this triple-A framework aim, absorb, advance. So the first thing that we're thinking about, and how can you just enjoy the journey and be present in the moment is aim. You need to have something meaningful that you're working towards, a goal, a North Star, your lighthouse, whatever you want to call it. But the thing that you wake up and you go, this is what I'm moving towards. You're thinking, Lockie, didn't you just say don't do that? You still need to know which direction you want to move in because the path, you know, let's say you're I'm in Perth at the moment. Let's say this accommodation that I'm staying in, I didn't have a map for. I didn't choose it specifically. I just said I'm gonna stay at some airport accommodation. I didn't know which building. Or when I get at the airport, they go, Well, can we give you a lift to your hotel? I go, Yeah, yeah, sure. They go, What's the name of it? I go, I don't know. They go, Well, how do you know where you stand? I say, I'm standing at a hotel. They go, well, there's plenty of hotels around here. So what's the name of it? And if I can't give a specific one, we don't know which direction or which route to take. So with a goal, that's what it does. You're gonna get feedback along the way around finding the fastest route to get there, or you there may be some road work that you have to pivot or take a detour. They're all things that are part of that process, but we need to have the aim because ambition gives you the direction, but the destination can't become the only place where you allow yourself to feel successful or fulfilled because otherwise we're hitting it every, let's say, 12 weeks or every couple of years. If I look back to the 58 marathons, that's been a three-year cycle. So I'm in Perth, we're doing the documentary tonight. But this started back in 2023. So if I only allowed myself to feel successful right now. What's the quality of my life? The quality of your life is really how you feel in the moment. And if you only feel successful when you're ticking off goals, you're missing a point. You're missing the beautiful process of life. So make sure that what you chase, uh you chase what's next without believing your life only begins when you get there. It's happening right now. The whole, I guess, the journey of it is such a fun period. Quick side story. When I moved back from France, I was defined by that. I thought, oh, my career hasn't worked out, I'm not playing professionally, I'm a failure. And that was a terrible feeling to get my head around. I allowed it to define me for a long while. When I finished the 58, a lot of people said, Lockie, you're gonna have this come down. I knew I wasn't because I wasn't defined by it. I had the goal, I knew I wasn't gonna be defined by it, it wasn't guaranteed. And whether I finished it or not, obviously I was gonna try my best to finish it. I was committed to finishing it, but I wasn't gonna be defined by the outcome. It was an experience that I was going to work towards. I was going to absorb the highs and the lows, which is what I did, which is point two. And I was going to advance with it being a part of my story. Brings us to point two, absorb.

Absorb The Highs And Lows

Lachlan Stuart 6:50

So be where your feet are and taking the whole experience. Enjoy the good moments when they're there. And when things are difficult, don't wish that part of the journey away. Because in those moments, I they make the good moments better when you know that you've worked hard to overcome the bad moments, and vice versa. When you're in the bad moments, you know that if you can get through this, there's a good moment around the corner. And that's a great way to get your head around it. Or that's how it works for me anyway. So the bad times create contrast, build your capability, and make the good times mean more. So you don't have to enjoy every moment, but you can value every moment for what it's giving you. So that's the second point, absorb.

Advance Without Making It Identity

Lachlan Stuart 7:28

Third one, advance. So let each experience become part of you rather than allowing it to define you. Celebrate what you've achieved for sure. Take the lessons, the memories, and evidence with you, then recognize that this chapter is a stepping stone into the next part. It's not your entire identity. Think of it much like a video game. You work so hard to get to a video game, and then the level finishes. And then you go to a whole new playing field where things are more challenging, there's different problems, and you just get to take all those learnings with you. So that's the framework that we want you to go through. So the triple A framework aim, absorb, advance. If you want to be where you you are and enjoy the journey but still continue striving forward, have an aim, absorb the whole experience and advance and let all of it become part of you because the lessons, the learnings, and the experiences will make you so much more

Building Self Trust And Next Steps

Lachlan Stuart 8:20

capable. If you've enjoyed this video, this is part of a bigger framework that we focus on and helping you become the man that can. We're looking over on the second module around building trust with yourself. Because when you can do the AAA framework, you will trust yourself and be able to create all the things that you know you want to do within your life. And if you want to find out more, just comment triple A below and I'll send you more information.